Dear all,
Im an old bugger who has a diploma in psychology and Hypnotherapy. Plus I've lived for nearly 75yrs. But may I be so bold as to say that well meaning advice to anyone who is bereaved falls on stony ground. Advice comes from the intellect and doesn't work no matter how well meaning. Bereavement however comes from the emotions and feelings which do not recognise the intellect. Intellect and emotions are like two planets that are opposite in the universe of the mind. In some instances they may even be at war. When somebody is emotionally hurt or living an emotional set of circumstances for any reason what they truly need is empathy or in another phrase some TLC. No matter how you feel they are treading on unsafe ground giving advice or even worse judgemental comments are a waste of time and can even be damaging. Never judge anybody by your own standards. Now a personal experience. When my daughter who was only 15 she was having an affair with a married man of 32. and I suspected they were having illegal sex and smoking weed. I didnt lay down the law, give advice, or judge her because I knew that would drive her away and she would dig her heels in to defy me. As hard as it was for me I simply said " Darling when it all goes wrong come to me and we can talk about it" She seemed puzzled but I could tell she was thinking on. And of course she very soon she saw what this man was about and came to me. My daughter has never forgotten that 30yrs on and said I was the best dad in the world. Did this approach help? All I can say is that she now holds a very high ranking position in the NHS and is happily married with a brilliant son.
And so back to bereavement. Just make the best effort to put yourself in their shoes. Every bereavement is unique to the person suffering . They dont feel like you are. Empathise. Show support. And if possible demonstrate support. Equally as important just LISTEN without interruption when they open up.
Geoff x
