Keep thinking should have done this or that

Hi 

Please don't beat yourself up. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. 

I ask myself why I didn't notice my husband's decline in the last week. Why did I go shopping on the day he died suddenly. I wasn't there, he went suddenly. There are hundreds of why's??? Why did the hospital miss it only four weeks before he was diagnosed? That is a why I will investigate!!!

Could we have changed my anything. Who knows? You will drive your self nuts. But what you can say is you loved him and did your best to care for him. He will know that. That is what is important.

Concentrate on the best things.

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi Chelseadog

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are having these thoughts. I have learned from reading other posts this is normal. We all feel like we missed something, should have asked better questions, pushed for things, whatever it maybe!

I honestly think we all do our absolute best, in the most terrifying heartbreaking circumstances.

 I hope you have a peaceful evening

Yes I do, everyday. I spend time every day going over: Should I have spotted xyz? Should I have made the connection with xyz? Why didn't I see more clearly Carla's symptoms? Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I do that?

Also: Regrets about the things we "were going to do together" 

I could reel off a huge list of "why didn't l's" But Truth be told, Carla was ambushed she was having regular scans and, apparently her cancer just came back hugely and quickly and smothered her lungs and brain.

So you are not alone in this, trouble is it's destructive thinking but I think a natural part of the grieving process as long as it doesn't become obsessive and all encompassing. So now I'm trying to put perspective on it and accept what happened..

So no you are not alone.. 

I am so sorry you have to go through this painful thoughts at the moment. However, they do seem to be a natural part of grieving that all of us sooner or later will have to face. After my husband's death, I beat myself up over so many things: that I had dragged him out for a little walk only two days before he died, That I had almost forced him to drink the energy drinks even though he had no interest anymore to do anything that would keep him alive longer, That I shouted at him once when I was so exasperated because he did not want to drink or eat anything and I wished that he would just once do what I told him to do... The list goes on. But I have come to the realisation that these thoughts cause only pain and pain and pain because you can't change the past and at the time you did the best you could under the circumflex stance says. We all did the best we could. FIFA in my book, it is very difficult to make the transition from the carer who does everything he or she can to keep the partner alive and well to the person who is simply there to make them as convertible as possible because, naturally, our instinct is to keep them alive.

Thanks Melanie appreciate your helpful support x

Thanks Alison x