Last night I was thinking about how far I had come. My husband died on 16 December 2018.
I recall discussing "acceptance" phase of grief at my 2nd bereavement session offered at the hospice. I felt that I had already accepted my husband's death and that I was not in denial anymore (clearly my definition was very basic!). I only had three sessions at the 3, 6 & 9 month stage. At six months it was said to me that real acceptance takes time and I accepted this at face value, at the time. I did not see the point of having weekly sessions as I would only be repeating things, as feelings don't change quickly. The hospice had offered me 10 sessions and said they would see me through the first year but a call in November 2018 from them ended this support as they felt I was doing okay. Well, as you can imagine, I felt abandoned but at the same time they said I could contact them again if I needed anymore support, when pushed. I just felt the decision should have been mine but I now digress. The point being is that these sessions have proved valuable as time has gone on and sometimes, you don't realise this at the time. Its about processing this traumatic experience which does not happen overnight! I have learnt to be patient with myself the hard way.
I have been reading about the stages of grief periodically over the last year or so, and recently the "acceptance" phase. I like to understand and reading various articles, both scientific and spiritually, as well as other people's accounts on various subject surrouding grief. Of course this forum, is reassuring in that you are not alone in what you are thinking/going through. Furthermore, the act of writing/consolidating matters has helped my healing further. So, thank you for listening and adding your messages of support and thoughts too.
A message from David Kessler (author) hit home last night. Last year I tried to maintain the life I had with my husband. It was draining and I neglected my health trying to keep up with living a "normal" life. This year I am already adapting to working without my husband in a different kind of way. I could not continue the business the way it was without him. It will now be my new norm and I feel lighter for it.
I now see that I can not maintain the past (something that did give me comfort last year). I am no longer denying my feelings and I have now also started listening to my needs. I am making healthier choices which I was not doing last year. This resulted in a few health issues as I totally underestimated the physical aspect of grief. This is why being kind to yourself in the early days (and ongoing) is so important. I am learning to pace myself and relax. I was just trying to do too much and not getting much done in reality!
I am finally starting to fulfill my promise to my husband to embrace change and evolve. I have had more good days than bad days for some time but acceptance is more than this. I genuinely had reasons to smile in the last year or so, on most days. That's the beauty of gratitude.
Grief is not linear, so I still have moments of sadness and reflection (just not so intense) and then there also moments that catch me off guard. On the whole I feel more hopeful for the year ahead. So going back to my second session, I am starting to live life my way and agree that this is only possible having given grief its time. My definition of acceptance has expanded and I am sure there will be more bumps to come . I am okay with this as I have faith in my ability to deal with it better now as my confidence and energy levels have started to go in the right direction. So yes, it does take time and will probably continue to do so.
Another thing I think of, and this down to personal belief, both my husband and I believed that energy never dies. So if there is soul that never dies, I don't want my husband's soul not being at peace because I continue to struggle with the loss. It makes me smile when I live in the moment, thinking that he is looking down at me, also smiling.
Just thought I would share...
With lots of love,
Dutsie x
