Wicked game

Hi my heart goes out to everyone on this road it's so hard ...been 21weeks since I lost my hubby and the grief is still very much there ..sometimes it just comes on in strangest of places and nothing you can do but try and hid your tears ..I like to speak about him but have noticed a few times that people try and change the subject ..I suppose they are frightened you are going to start crying again 

I lost my Dad 5weeks befor hubby and still can't believe the two of them are not hear I am so lost without them and all my time was between them and visiting hospital when they where in ...I try just take one half day at a time x

Hi Sandra, Laura and everyone else,

I wonder what people mean when they say that we are doing very well or dealing with the situation in a fantastic way? I have come to think that, while they seem to mean that we are doing well because we appear strong and well and don't cry all the time, we should think that we are doing well because we are doing what we are doing: being strong in work or for social occasions and then, when we are on our own, let the grief come out (which it has to do). So I believe that the fact that we are still here and trying to live with this unimaginable grief and pain is why we can say: Yes, I am doing really well and I am dealing very well with my situation.

Love, and a good day for everyone,

Mel.

Hi Dennis,

I so much can relate to what you wrote. Noone will ever be able to understand the love we had, because it was between us, and noone will ever understand how my grief feels to me. And you know what? That's okay.

Paul and I used to have so many little ways too to make each other smile and laugh. We used to sit on the stairs in our house cuddling, really loving the special place on the stairs so much. We used to speak in funny voices sometimes. We used to fall asleep back to back - now I wrap the duvet around me so that I feel something there where he should be. When I was sitting at my computer he used to come in and, without saying a word, massage my shoulders. And there is so much more, the list goes on and on. All the little things that made us happy.

Love, Mel.

Dear Sandra,

Thank you for sharing some of the experience from your last night.

As for the breathing, my nurses told me, "It is comfort breathing. That happens when our patients are finally no longer in pain." That's of course total rubbish. The change in breathing can happen for many reasons and I think orur nurses can perhaps enlighten us here, but one of the reasons is that the body needs to get rid of too much CO2 in the body; another reason is that when patients drift in and out of consciousness that the vocal chords become very relaxed and therefore the breathing becomes audible and maybe it is also a sign of multi organ failure. I have to say I have found it a little distressing at first but then I realised that somehow this was Paul's way of dying. Maybe it was also a sign of his psyche coming to terms with the fact that, while he wanted to stay so so much, he needed to let go because his pain was too bad and he was too weak to live any longer. It is a mysterious and in a way fascinating process to die, isn't it? 

But I wish the nurses would have been more honest. She could just have explained the possible reasons to me.

One more thing: When Paul tried to get up the last time and myself and a nurse held him back, he sobbed, "This is not a beautiful place. I want to go to a more beautiful place." And, while the nurse was still pondering this and perhaps thinking about how best to react, I went over to the bed, hugged Paul and told him, "It's okay. You are safe. And we'll go to that more beautiful place." That is somehow the most intimate memory I have of this night.

Love, Mel.

ww123

Life is so cruel.  I know it's a clique but when you are living as we all are at the moment it is so true.  I lost my mum 18months before my partner and I thought that was so cruel.  How I would of coped with the short gap you have had! 

I also understand when u say people change the subject....I have noticed that to and I dont understand it but I suppose its them also trying to not 'dwell' on what has happened but for me I need to keep her 'alive' in my life.

I also hate laughing!!! or even smiling!!! it hasn't happened very often but when I do I feel guilty. Again I am told it is a normal feeling in this process but it just confuses the hell out of me. My mind really does plan games! 

Here's to a copable day everyone xx

sandra

Hi Ww123,

I am so sorry that you have had such heart-breaking losses so close together. It must be so difficult right now. Yes, take it one day or even one half day or even an hour at a time. It will get a little easier over time.

Love, Mel.

Hi Limbo,

Oh thank you for sharing the link to this talk. It is a great one. And the book is actually great too.

Love, Mel.

Hi Crazy bird,

Thank you for that lovely post. I think it is very encouraging for those of us who feel as though they will from now on always live with this amount of pain, but actually for everyone.

You have certainly been through a lot. And I am sorry you lost your husband so early. It sounds from your post like you have never lost your positivity and you even say you feel like you are beginning to live again, now that you have begun to adapt to the pain of loss. I think that's very well said.

I am also delighted for you that the scan came back clear. Hopefully, with the brighter evenings and spring around the corner, you will feel better soon and have no more recurring chest infections and more energy also.

I lost my husband Paul in May of 2018. The first months were so difficult that I often felt I didn't want to live anymore. But family and friends, and my own feeling that I now needed to learn to make the best of my life without Paul, kept me going and have helped me to get to a stage where, yes, I am sad every day that Paul was taken from me so early but I am also living again and I think I really do my best to live as best I can now.

Love, Mel.

That's a beautiful response, it must have comforted Paul so much to hear that. I well understand his desire to go to the more beautiful place. Xx

Hi thanks x