Bereavement Counseling

Hi All,

Just returned from a local hospice where I was hoping to join a bereavement group and counseling. 

I wish, I had never made this trip.

I left the place crying. All they said was ' Sorry', I have to have some sort of connection to the hospice.

How dreadful is that! Just because my husband passed away so quickly, that he never went to a hospice!

They also do walking groups for bereaved people, but the answer is same!

How likely am I going to find a walking group for bereaved people, if I am not connected to any hospice!

Sorry for this rant, but I had to get it out.

Hi Andrea, I'm so sorry to hear this, it's the opposite of what I found.

Our local Hospice we didn't use or go to, at all not even help at home, after Amanda passed, I received a letter from them offering, counselling, after that I became aware of the other things they did and joined the groups you mention above.

I cant believe a hospice, could refuse you on that basis, it seems harsh and heartless.

The one I went to is a charity funded, local hospice I can't praise them enough.

Anyway really sorry this has not been possible for you, and I'm truly amazed that they could make these restrictions, given most are charitable.

I hope you find support and some help in your area.

Best wishes to you.

Gary.

Andrea. I'm so sorry that you got such an uncaring response. We never had any contact with our hospice and it never occurred to me that they might help. 

I don't know if you have  a Maggie's centre near you as they support the bereaved as well as those having treatment. www.maggiescentres.org/.../

The other I would suggest is to search for cancer support(place). See what comes up.

Hi there, I'm so sorry to hear what happened, I can understand why you feel so upset. When we registered kens death we were given a booklet with lists of groups and counselling centres. I hope that there may be some local to you, please don't give up in trying to find the support you would like. Wishing you all good things, pam x

I know that left in the cold feeling, I contacted Cruze and after a long chat with someone she made me sound very welcome, a few moments later she said sorry she she couldn't help because I was in the wrong county, I'm not but somebody as drawn an arbitrary line and stuffed me and presumably my whole village in the next county. Now I have to do it all again and see if they'll help me but really I'm not in their county so they may say the same.

Now days you have to be a 'member' and you must not be near the edge.

D

Hi All,

Thank you all for your soothing words, support and suggestions. It really helps.This forum is the only place to find help and comfort from truly understanding people. 

It seems, the support that's available for bereaved people, depends on the location we live :(

Dead Meat, 

I am sorry, you are having a bad experience too. I hope, you will have some joy for the second time. 

Love xxx

Hello Wildcat, 

Thank you for your reply and the suggestions. 

I have checked the Maggie Centre, but it's not available in my area. It seems, they do groups and even workshops. Sounds good as this is what I am looking for. To meet people in same situation for coffee and chat and walking in nature. It seems difficult to find something. 

Love xxx

Hi, 

i am so sorry for what you are going through. I too lost my husband at the end of july and although I’m having counselling through work, I feel that my counsellor has glossed over the traumatic facts of my husband’s passing.

My husbands tongue was so swollen, he couldn’t close his mouth and his breathing was very laboured for at least 2 weeks before he died. My husband died at home but it happened quicker than we expected, so as you can imagine, it was a very traumatic time for me. I rang the hospital about 11:30pm and told them he had deteriorated rapidly but they said there were no beds. I had to ring 999 and I was told to perform CPR, which I did and he was gasping for air like a dying fish. I will never forget the trauma of that moment, hearing his ribs crack, watching his face as he was struggling to breathe and his eyes bulge. It was all truly horrific and the memory of his death will never leave my mind.

But everyday since, I allow myself these thoughts and I cry but I also try to remember the lovely times we had and to visualise happy time’s - sometimes it is hard - but I hope that it will help me cope. Certainly the counselling sssions have not helped with this, so I have had to find a way myself to cope with those images. I don’t think they’ll ever leave me but I hope they will soften over time. 

Good luck on your journey. It is a journey I sincerely wish none of us were sadly on. 

Best wishes 

Rhiannon

Hi,

That sounds a pretty brutal way to lose a loved one, yes there are moments that you will never forget and images that you can never unsee and I think you have experienced the worst of them. They shouldn't have instructed you to perform CPR, I was fortunate that my husband died in the hospice but that he also was advised by his nurses that in his condition a DNR was the best choice because the likelihood of surviving cardiac or respiratory arrest while at home are small and that you will not be in a very good state if you do survive.

You are obviously made of some really stern stuff to be able to write this.

D

Hi D,

Thanks for your kind message. I’m so glad that your husband’s passing was more peaceful.

 It truly was the most horrendous and scary situation and I  honestly think that i’ve dealt with it by pushing it to the back of my mind for the time being, otherwise I just couldn’t carry on.

Unfortunately, my husband’s positivity worked against him. Although he’d had a terminal diagnosis, the local hospice took him off their books as he’d responded well to the palliative chemo and never followed up on him afterwards. He thought that this was great news as he saw it as a positive milestone to beating his cancer. When he died, he’d been having immunotherapy treatment and we really thought it would work or at least give him longer with us. During all our visits to the hospital, no one ever asked us about DNR, so when the paramedics arrived that night, I was beside myself as they were asking me what the plan was. It was so distressing and I’ve spoken to his oncologist and nurse since, to tell them that the situation should never have happened and I would be heartbroken if it happened to someone else. Sadly, we were badly let down in many aspects of my husband’s care and I really wouldn’t want anyone else to experience what I went through, which was so brutal and should never have happened.

I breaks my heart every day just thinking about what happened and I feel such incredible guilt for carrying out CPR under pressure and in panic mode, instead of just holding him in my arms and letting him go peacefully as he deserved.

Life is truly cruel to some of us!