I've had a very down day today. Feeling my darling's absence so acutely, even though it has been 14 months. I keep thinking it might get better, but then a bad day comes and I feel as I'm back to square one. Grief is like the oceans of the world - covering well over 71% of my conscious thought, sometimes gentle, sometimes brutal, but always there. But, every once in a while, I feel as if my beloved is sending me a message and it brings me such comfort.
On Saturday, a friend came over to move some furniture for me (I am in a wheelchair). I had him move a chest of drawers into the hall. This particular chest was a favourite of my husband's; the shape is very deco, but the veneer is horrible. It's not very big and I could and will easily chalk paint it. I had already decided on graduated blues with a white feather design to signify Chris as my guardian angel. I felt that was the right design to go with.
After my friend left, I looked through the drawers to see how much junk was in there. In the third drawer down, I discovered two white feathers. A message from my angel. I don't doubt it for a moment and it brought me such a sense of closeness and comfort.
But, grief being what it is, I am feeling very low and very sad today. Even thinking of the feathers hasn't helped. But I need to think of the fact that Chris is with me always. Nothing, not even death, can take that love away. I miss the cuddles and kisses, and I miss his physical presence so much. But if I can't hold onto the thought of his being here in his spirit, energy, etc., I don't think I will survive grief.
Of course, today felt especially sombre. On Remembrance Day I always think of my sweet dad, who served in the South Pacific during WWII. He's been gone 11 years now, and I still miss him so much.
Martha
