JUST ME GETTING IT OFF MY CHEST. It helps to put it in writing. Thats all my friends.
It's 15 weeks since losing my Anne. I've survived and know how to survive but that's all. Everything is 'flat.' the spark has gone out of my life. In the early weeks I was surprised at my strength to start a life living on my own and I even remember sending a post that was somewhat inspirational to that fact. Plu following on from this, dealing with all the legal matters, Annes Will, my updated Will, including granting Power of Attorney to our two children kept me going because of frequent visits to my solicitor. But as time has gone by I now feel I'm going down. All my goals have been reached and life has now become a day to day battle: filling the hours with anything and talkink to anybody whilst just waiting for the late evening to come so I can go to sleep and get out of this world and find some peace. I'm lucky that getting to sleep isn't a problem for me. .I'm so mentally exhausted after a day of making the effort to carry on I drop off almost immediately, helped I admit along with a few beers. I'm 74 and so well into retirement. I have no bucket list. Every place I've ever wanted to go and everything I've wanted to achieve has been either with my darling by my side or along with her support. Before Anne passed she said it was OK if I found another woman similarly placed and so form another relationship. I told my beloved I was a one woman man, always have been, always will be, and that would never happen. And It wont ! And now the anxiety attacks have started. Hot flushes. Heart racing so hard I feel it will burst, along with a tightness and pain across my chest, and hands that shake uncontrollably. At first I thought I was having a fatal heart attack and so sat back in my chair to happlily will it on. But no such luck. For over 20yrs I've been on antidepressants for clinical depression and acute anxiety. ( police work can do that to you.) My meds are still working but not working well since my sweet heart passed. I have no intention of going to the Doctors to have them increased because I don't want to get better. In fact I want to arrive at that state of mind when I'll be so down I'll be able to take charge of my own death. I know how I'll do it. No drama or mess for others to clear up. A clean clinical death. Perhaps I never will. Who knows? Rightly or wrongly I've told both our children about my feelings and if it ever comes to pass they are not to feel guilty because there is nothing they could have done or said to prevent it. Being strong people they saw the philosophical side of what I told them. One has mental health problems themself so he understood where I was coming from. The other has a high ranking job in the NHS dealing with death all the time so she too I know would be able to understand and cope. Naturally they aren't supporting me but neither are they breaking down and begging me never to do this. Wise. Strong. And philosophical people. I'm proud of them both. I know some might say 'But Anne wouldnt want you to do this. She would want to you to create a new life.' But you see: Im not Anne. Im me. And I have to tread my own path. At the moment I'm nowhere near doing anything. Perhaps I never will. Who knows' But its a satisfying plan B.
Light and Love.
Geoff
