2nd anniversary

Dear Helen 

You put it all so well. I’m so sorry that today is a hard & painful day for you & your family. How much our lives have changed. 

I agree we get better at hiding our feelings rather than things improving all that much. Anyone that hasn’t walked this path doesn’t & cannot know how difficult that can be. And also how exhausting it can be trying not to let that mask slip until it feels safe & ok to let it drop once more. 

I hope you can remember some of the good & special  times you’ve shared- nothing, including time, can take them away from you.

And I hope today you find some peace & comfort in being together with people who want to remember with you 

Big hugs & love to you 

Sarah xx

Hi,

Well, the mask slipped last night. A colleague of mine invited me over with some of his friends. We all know how that goes: we're fine for a while, then start feeling out of place but you continue to smile and laugh. You're also glad someone thought of you and included you but, at the same time, you know you're going to go back home and have a good cry for all the reasons we know so well. Another one of my colleagues who was there dropped me back home. He asked me if it did me good to go out, told me that I should try to see more people, etc. I was being a good girl, giving all the right answers and making all the right sounds until I finally admitted that these gatherings were hard for me and that I had every intention of having a hearty cry once I got inside. Naturally, just saying those words triggered the most awful crying/sobbing/wailing - the kind that comes from deep down and that is uncontrollable. Heard the desperation in my voice when I confessed that I didn't even want to live and felt ashamed but couldn't stop it. He hugged me, held my hand, let me cry, then told me I needed to change my life - get help, take up an activity, meet people, find a friend. 

For me, just living through each day is an accomplishment. Change my life? My life has changed. I'm so afraid of what you said, Helen, that even after 2 years, it's still going to hurt so much, that time will never really heal anything. It's the same for me: it's like I can barely remember the good times, the conversations, the jokes but only the last images and the last painful months. I was wondering if I should get some kind of behavioural therapy or something. Perhaps there's a way to train the brain to focus on  more positive thoughts when the bad memories rush to the fore. Don't know, just rambling.

Keep strong and take care of yourselves.

2nd anervesary of Audreys, can't even say it, 21st Nov. Don't know if it should even mean anything. It seems to bevabdoughnting day. But to cememerate a death, is that really the way.

Or does it give a focus to remember a life so loved. 

I don't know. 

I just know it fucking hurts

I don't know. I try to fool myself sometimes into believing that thte date of my husband's death is  the birth into a new life. Probably just BS, right? 

I read your post and feel desolation. I looked up the meaning of desolation: