Struggling

Hi everyone 

How's your weekend been. I've seen my little step grandsons this afternoon. I've enjoyed it but it's always there in your head that your wife is missing and it's difficult to fully enjoy the time spent with them or any family come to that. Driven home tonight from visiting my identical twin brother and my 88 year old dad. My brother still lives with my dad. Every Sunday I drive towards home in tears, without fail to the empty lonely house. Run the bath and have a sobbing session.

Watching anything on the TV that we watched together is uncomfortable and upsetting at times. I'm sure some of you feel the same.

Back to work tomorrow on Afters, just another meaningless empty day to get through. 

No respite from grieving is there folks. 

Hi all at work the same as you mark just numb wander around like a zombie do your job listen to all the she has gone to a better place people clock out for gone microwave meal bath bed cry for ages sleep some up back to work what a lonely life there must be more to life than this 

Hi Newb 

Hope you are right, I've done the housework this morning. I moved an a vase from a window to dust and left it off. I then looked at the window and looked empty, like I'd removed a piece of Jayne. I put it back immediately. Teared up, realising I can't remove any ornament because it would feel like a betrayal of her memory.

Crying, writing this waiting to go to work for 2pm. Thinking is this my life now. 

Like you, hoping there will more to life than work. 

Feeling everyone's pain. 

Hi everyone 

Had really bad day today. Been to work on Afters and I've been on the brink of falling apart from shift start to the shift end. It's so draining trying to keep it together for 8 hours. Then come home to an empty house, feeling no better.

It's said that pain comes in waves but I'm sure we all agree it's more like a tsunami at times. One has washed over me today after 7 months of pain and loss.

Got to get up tomorrow and do it all again. Thinking as I work, what's the point. Is this my life now. It's hard to try and be positive, when grief grips us so tightly and is so unrelenting.

Just needed to post how I've felt today. As only the group can understand. 

Hope you've all had a better day. If there is such a thing.

Hanging on in there. 

Hi Mark.

sorry you’re struggling so much right now. I’m struggling too (10 months in), getting upset and crying much more than I have done up until now.

can you take a few weeks off work? You sound like you are emotionally drained and need some time out. I understand it’s what keeps you going and gives you a reason to get up, but It sounds like it’s not doing anything more than that.

our son (he’s 5) is what keeps me making the effort to get mentally stronger. It’s a losing battle, but I’ve got to make it right for him. He’s had too much sadness so far. I’m forcing myself to engage with other people - something I really haven’t wanted to do, but it does actually help.

You need to do more than just exist. If you can take a few weeks off work it might give you the chance you need?

I hope you’re ok.

Hi Mark I know how you feel today , I took my son back to the airport this afternoon tears were flowing all the way back in the car , then back into an empty house. Something out the freezer to eat and sit staring at the tv with silence all around . It just seems to go on and on with no foreseeable future. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

 Mike 

Hi Mark and anyone else who had a bad day,

it’s shit isn’t it? I arrived back to our “home” yesterday from Dublin, it’s just a house now, no warmth, no cooking smells, no noise from our favourite telly programmes, I hardly even boil the kettle to make tea any more because I can’t be bothered.

I collected my Mark’s ashes this morning. Totally surreal and bizarre. My 43 yr old, 6 foot tall, 22 stone beautiful, funny, generous, loving man, reduced to a bag of ashes in a small wooden box. I kept him with me downstairs all afternoon because he loved being in company, he didn’t like quiet or being alone. Now i’ve come upstairs and brought him with me. But it’s not him. It’s just a box. It makes the pain of missing him and our life and our future so much worse. I want to go asleep for a couple of years and wake up feeling like I can do this. 

I need to get up tomorrow, go to work, come home, feed and walk the dog, cut the grass, do some washing, make some food. But i know i will just drift through the day only half concentrating, i won’t achieve half of what i’d like to get done. I had a packet of crisps and a chocolate bar for dinner tonight. I don’t care.

It’s all rubbish :-( 

Fiona

Hi moondog 

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through, and caring for your young son. I truly can't. My heart goes out to you. You are right, I need some time off work. If only to try and get some sleep.

You take care. 

Hi Fiona 

I understand and feel your every word duck, feel exactly the same way about everything. You're not alone. We're all here for each other aren't we. 

Clinging to hope. 

Hi Fiona,

You're right it isn't Mark in that box just as it isn't Tim in the box in the office in my house. For me Tim is the pair of scuffed work shoes still on the shoe rack and the big brown towel I use to dry myself or his choice of checked shirts that are still in the wardrobe. Its all those little eclectic things that made him your Mark and not just a box of ash.Treasure those thing and keep on functioning, walking the dog gives you purpose and its what he would want you to do. And he would want you to eat a decent meal too so hold on to that.

D