Struggling

Hi Mark lack of sleep does not help as I have found out makes the pain even worse especially if it's something you did together

Hi,

Don't ignore the offer of counselling, sometimes talking to somebody that can shed a more objective light on your pain may help you. I had to wait a year and a half for bereavement counselling, in fact I got it because I had lost my husband and my father within a year. It won't make the feelings any less painful but often they can chisel away at all those unspoken doubts that go with loosing a loved one.

Take the pills as prescribed your GP is trying to help you reestablish a regular sleep pattern, I agree shift work really messes with that but you need to try for your own well being. What would your wife have wanted? She would know that you would miss her but she wouldn't want you to wallow in soul destroying grief. Just remember the words she would say when you were down over something and then embrace them.

D

Hi Mark and everyone else isn't it strange I to look at wedding rings when I'm out never ever bothered me before but now I'm so  resentfull  of other people

Hi. 

I will have counselling duck , I can sign up for it on my phone and the place is only a 5 minute drive away. It's the lack of sleep that's becoming a real issue now. Funnily enough I'm at the doctors in the morning after finishing work at 6am. I've then got to wait up until 9.10am for a full blood count and then try and get to sleep.

I can assure you duck, I'm not wallowing in my grief. No worries there duck. Struggling with it yes. At 53, I never expected to lose my wonderful wife and so suddenly. Just taking it one day at a time. 

Hi Newb 

I'm sure given plenty of time you will no longer feel resentful of others. Observing other people just brings it home what you have lost and pain you are going through. Being able to share your thoughts without being judged, is what makes this group special. Don't you think.

Feeling resentful is a normal part of the grieving process I've read and I may well experience it at some point. But we know that's not who we are. 

I understand how you feel, and no one can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. We are all sharing our honest thoughts here and that's great. 

Hi everyone 

Just wondering if any of you have tried the valerian roote herbal sleep aid. I've tried Calms and Nytol and they don't work for me. I've only got 6 of 10 sleeping pills left and I don't know how many or how often my GP, will give me them yet. I take one at the weekend to spread them out as my GP advised.

I'd rather take 7 in row and have a full week of sleep. That would be a novel experience after year's of shift work and now grieving. 

Hi everyone in this thread,

Due to my having been on holidays and then straight back into work and being very busy it is only now that I have been able to take the time to read all the messages in this thread.

Mike, you are living in Ireland like myself! Where abouts are you? I am in Bray, Co. Wicklow, just at the Dublin/Wicklow border. 

Love to all

Mel.

I was 54 when my husband died, even when they tell you that the end is near you aren't ready for it.

D

Hi Sue,

I have come to your posts in this thread and thought I would just say two things that struck me.

The first one is when you wrote "I still miss Paul so much but I know now I always will.  And it's okay to have days when I am still floored by grief,  because there will be other days when I will be happy and having fun." I felt like I could have written it. This is exactly how I feel and have been feeling for some time now.

The second thing was when you mentioned about the meeting with the oncologist. I am glad he took so much time to talk to you. What this brought up in me was sadness and regret because looking back now I feel that I had my meeting far too soon. Only one week after my Paul died I went into the hospital and spoke to the nurses who had been there for Paul and us and eventually to the oncologist. I feel that I would have gotten much more out of the meeting, if I had waited for a while and met him later, maybe three or four months in on the journey or maybe even just recently because I am now able to actually listen and understand whereas, back then, I was livin in this fog of unbearable pain. I don't know and don't understand why I didn't have the patience to wait for a while. But I don't have the courage and somehow don't think it would be right to ask for another meeting. After all, for this oncologist all this is a long time ago (tomorrow it will be 15 months) and he has certainly better things to do than to meet up with me and dig out Paul's file again. All I am trying to say is: I do regret not having waited in order to have a really good conversation with the doctor.

Love and hugs

Mel.

Where the sleeping tablets are concerned, I know that many people are reluctant to take them because they think that they would get too dependent on them. Personally, I have been on sleeping tablets for a long time now. It has helped me so so so very much in this difficult situation. At least I was able to go to bed at night and knew that I would sleep simply because the pill would kick in. And you don't get dependent if you really stick to taking only one sleeping tablet per night and if you still can't sleep then you simply have to lie awake. I have not taken more than one apart from very few occasions when I desperately needed to be okay for the next day. You know what? I think this grieving process is so exhausting that we should really not concern ourselves with whether or not we are taking something to help us sleep or not, we do need our strength that comes from sleep. We used to need it to care for our loved ones. Now we need it to care for ourselves.

Love, Mel.