Lost Mum to Lung Cancer

Hi Jason.

I lost my dad on September 9th. I honestly feel your pain. I thankfully, I still have my mom and siblings, but we are all in an enormous amount of pain. My brother and sister live elsewhere and I am with my mom in the house I grew up in. I feel completely hollow. My dad and U were so close. I feel like he was just here, and now he's gone. It hurts immensely. Nothing feels the same just like you described.

I believe this is what grief is, and it's awful.

I keep very busy with work and exercise, and reading about loss.

Some have suggested bereavement at a church nearby. I don't know if I will go. Its just so hard.

I'm here if you need a friend.

 Teresa

I forgot to say, sorry for your loss, Jason.

Hi Jason and Tmira, I'm sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum to lung cancer on Tuesday, 19th September. I got married the day before. She had a brain seizure the morning of the wedding and lost consciousness. She didn't wake up. She wasn't diagnosed until 4 July this year, she died exactly 11 weeks later. We moved our wedding forward as much as we could, and I'm grateful she was with us through every part of the planning. She saw photos of me in my dress at fittings.

It's all happened so fast I have no idea where I am. Her brain mets were so bad at the end that she lost all language, reading, and writing skills, experienced delirium, passage, and hallucinations. But she always knew who I was, even when she was talking about me to me not realising it was me with her at the time. I'm an only child and this has left a hole.

I took two days compassionate leave and am slowly returning to work. I prefer to keep busy when I can, as I experience grief in waves. Sometimes I'm OK, other times I'm devastated. 

How are you feeling now?

So sorry for your loss! Honestly it's been quite difficult. My emotions are all over the place. I know it takes time, but it's so hard.

I can relate to how you saw your mom with the delirium.  Im trying to remember my dad before the sickness. To think of him that way is just too painful. I think aim still in shock.

I wish you lots of positive vibes and healing.

Teresa

Hi Teresa, thanks for sharing and I'm sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, the emotions must be quite raw for yourself, as it is for me. Its good to hear that your mother and siblings have been by your side. That is something I wish I could say I had as unfortunately my dad left my mum when I was very young and my brother is estranged. I do have lovely friends who are doing their best to help. I know what you mean by the feeling of hollow, I also feel that and also a lot of numbness. I find it difficult to be happy and if happiness levels range from 0 to 10, I'd say my maximum could only get me to a 7. Some days I wake up fine, other days I wake up and I miss my mum. We all experience grief in different ways and for me it comes in waves. Work has helped in my case, I get distracted by things that need doing and people who rely on me. But other than that I'm struggling to find other activities to help me process the grief.  

I can relate to all you've said.

My siblings are great, however it still feels so isolating. Each one grieves differently. 

Its just so hard. Thinking of you, and I'm here if you  ever would like to talk it out.

Take care,

Teresa

I lost my Dad yesterday to a form of lung cancer after a 5 year battle. He was doing so well and then the loss of appetite, not drinking and infection after infection caused him to lose all his mobility and become almost skeletal. It has been the hardest thing watching my Dad, my best friend waste away and experience so much suffering and humiliation wrought by this terrible disease. Now I feel completely lost and alone, despite having the rest of my family around me. We shared so many interests together - I cannot bear now to even think about them because it's all too painful. I don't know what to do with myself and yes, one of the hardest things is that everyone will say "anything you need, get in touch" but you watch their lives carry on as normal while yours is paused in this sea of pain. Today was the first day of this new reality - life without Dad. I am going through the motions, putting a brave face on for other family members but the pain is immense. The emptiness is vast and it can never be filled. I lost my brother some years ago and felt the same way - now that both of them are gone I feel as if I'm walking this path alone. No one to back me up, guide me - it's hard to take in. Fuck cancer.

Sadly I understand this post all too well. Im so sorry for your loss. 

I keep asking myself if this is all real. The emptiness is unbearable. Like your beloved dad, my beloved was also doing very well. It seemed quite sudden that everything changed, and so darn quickly! 

At first I thought he was choosing not to eat. We were all so surprised. My dad had a great apetite even during treatments, then suddenly, nothing.  He had gotten so thin and frail,  and watching it happen before our eyes was beyond horrific, I know, I've seen it, unfortunately.

I keep asking myself how was my dad just fine, and now gone?

I feel so lost.

FUCK Cancer!

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so traumatic. The not eating and drinking thing was especially hard on my Mum. I'd read up on why - the hormonal changes, the body shutting down etc but Mum had not - especially about the shutting down part. I tried to explain that he wasn't doing this through choice or stubborness and it caused some friction between them as she could literally see what she perceived as a slow suicide in front of her eyes. In the end Dad suffered confusion and got delirious - he had periods of lucidity but got very difficult to manage when he lost himself. On his final day the district nurse administered something to calm him during to his agitation and he lingered on for two days, asleep in what we later were told was a coma, his breathing crackling with secretions and his eyes half open. I cannot erase the image of him in his death bed emaciated, eyes half open and bloodshot. I keep looking at photographs of him just 6 months ago where he at least looked like a healthy normal guy enjoying family days out and birthday meals. I cannot help punishing myself by re-reading the run of the mill WhatsApp messages we would send each other daily - right up until around 3 weeks ago. Now I'm trying to focus on Mum - it'll be the first time she has lived alone in almost 60 years. I took her out yesterday but felt a huge wave of guilt as if we were just carrying on as normal without Dad. I feel as if I should be walking the street, tied to a massive cross whipping myself not embarking on family days out but I know that's wrong. Next week will all be about the formalities and I am absolutely dreading having to go through his finances (he named me as executor), funeral arrangements etc. When we go through hellish situations like this we tend to think we are alone in experiencing them but forums like this one remind us that sadly, this is a shared experience for so many. Stay strong and cry when you need to - my love and best wishes to you and everyone else who has commented and is going through this.

Thank you.

Traumatic is the perfect one.

I find comfort in this forum, knowing that others understand.

Its a constant roller coaster of emotions.

Take good care.

Teresa