Hi, I’m new to this and after reading many previous discussions wanted to kind of off-load my thoughts.
I lost my wonderful mum aged just 66 on 26th January this year. Mum was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma in April 2020, literally as the pandemic took hold. Throughout the year my parents have shielded and thankful my mum was able to receive treatment. Mum went into remission in August but only for a short while. Mum became very ill in November and after a catalogue of blunders, she was eventually admitted and told her cancer had returned aggressively and spread to the central nervous system. However, a new treatment plan was offered with chemo and stem cell leading to quote “remission and cure”. I am now robbed. My mum has died and not from her cancer but this wretched COVID. Mum went to hospital on 26th December to receive her second course of MATRIX chemo but as treatment was to start she had a temp spike and medics found her PICC line to be infected. As a result her chemo was pushed back a week. Chemo administered which was promising and mum coped well all things considered. She finished chemo on a Friday by Sunday mum tested positive for the virus. My heart broken when I received the news; I just knew the cancer she had which obliterated her immune system would not mix with COVID. Mum showed no symptoms for a few days until oxygen was eventually needed. We lived in hope during her final week. We were called to support mum even though palliative nurses were ready to “start the process”. I’m thankful they didn’t as we had a whole extra 9 days with mum with 24/7 access where my sister and I did 12 hour shifts. It also meant both my brothers could return from their respective countries to be with mum. In some ways I think mum was holding on to have all four children with her plus my dad but in all honesty, I’m angry that I’ll never know if mum could have beaten her cancer. Her life was cut short so prematurely after such a courageous battle.
I know I am in the grieving process and have so far experienced everything from shock, exhaustion, silence, a “sad cloud” as I call it, realisation and now questioning everything.
I’m 35 and my heart literally hurts. The enormity and overwhelming thought that my mum is never coming back is so painful. How do I cope going forward? Will I just learn to live with this? Will this heartache ease? It’s been 4 weeks and I am no where near ready for returning to work. Lockdown grief feels so much harder; no hugs, crying with friends, still have to homeschool my 5 year old and manage the demands of a 2 year old. My sleep is shot and find myself processing grief in the evenings. Is this normal? Do I need help? I literally don’t know because I don’t know anyone who has lost their mum. This grief is like no other. I feel extremely isolated but grateful I have a sister who also feels the same.
