My mum passed away in December. We knew her cancer couldn’t be cured but she was having treatment and we had never been told the end was near. I knew in my heart that that Christmas would be hee last and I was doing all I could to try and make it special for her.
she didn’t make it to Christmas Day, we didn’t get our last Christmas with her. I don’t know whether having that last Christmas would have made it any easier to lose her or not but I just know it was one thing keeping me going.
It has been a whole month now since she passed away, each morning I still wake thinking it’s all been a bad dream and then the realisation hits again. Every morning my heart breaks and I have to plaster on a smile and go and wake my children up and get them ready for the day.
i feel anger building up inside me each time I hear someone complaining about something that seems so menial in comparison to the devastating loss my family has experienced.
we had the funeral last week and I thought that after the funeral was ‘out the way’ I’d accept the loss more. But still each day the waves of grief hit me and I don’t know who to talk to.
Each day I check on my Dad & my younger sister. I feel so upset that my Dad is alone now and my young sister is barely an adult, she will have to face her whole adult life without the support of our mum. I’ve depended on my mums help and advice almost every single day for years.
i think people consider me the strong one so don’t necessarily check in with me. I feel alone and heartbroken and like I need some time to grieve properly but I don’t know how I will ever find the time now that the children are off school due to lockdown. I feel like I have to keep up this act so that I can make sure someone is supporting my Dad & Sister but I don’t know who i can turn to to support me through this.
I do have a partner but he is just adding to my stress each day and I feel as though I’m supporting him more than him supporting me!
has anyone else experienced similar? Who have you turned to for support?
Hi CharlieH
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum.
All the emotions you are having are perfectly normal. We all grieve in a different way and over a different time and over time you will learn what the major triggers are and how to deal with them. The pain is always there but you just learn to cope better but you will always be caught unexpectedly at times even many years later.
It is hard to stay strong for everyone but you must find your own time to grieve. Could you leave the children with your partner and / or your dad for a couple of days and, despite restrictions, find somewhere for a quiet couple of days - local health spa for instance. Visit somewhere your mum loved on your own and talk to her when there. She will always be around you ad will try to guide and support you as best she can. You need to open yourself to responses which may not happen immediately but you will know when they do. It could be something like finding a white feather in the house, the radio re tuning itself to her favourite music or you finding something in a drawer that you haven't seen for many years. Start a memory book full of stories from your childhood, stories from your mums childhood, stories from other relatives or your mums friends and lots of photos. This is a great way of keeping memories especially for your children and it also is a great way to express your emotions. Other than your sister or partner do you have a best friend you've had for a while? Can you talk to them whenever you want / need to and if they are a true friend they will understand and even if they just give you a long silent hug they will know what is the right thing to say or do. Always encourage your children as well as yourself to talk openly about your mum and to talk to her anytime - little things such as coming inside and saying how cold it is outside will help to ease your emotions.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
