Dreading New Year

Hi Lou, 

That’s great that you’ve spoken to someone from Cruse - gets the back rolling type thing. Although I know I’m referring to counselling but ever session (especially the first) was draining. I think talking to anyone about your situation, no matter how general, is exhausting. Hope you do get some rest and sleep xx 

Thank you for the calmer waves. Sending some calm ones your way too. 

Lots of love Lou and all xxxx

Hey ladies  xx

Kate - glad your feeling brighter and hope tmrw at work goes ok. Also wishing you calmer waves. Xx 

Lou glad you are seeking support.xx Completely agree ladies it's exhausting. Xx 

I'm having clam waves this week. Plodding along rebuilding my life. Supporting my beautiful family . But must admit, even after a day of riding the calm waves .I can honestly say, I'm exhausted every night. Physically and emotionally drained. I'm just remembering to not to be too hard on my self. If 8 months ago, I was told I'd be where I am today and living a life my beautiful mum would want. I wouldn't have believed it .I never knew my strength.

  So actually it's ok, that it's still tough and it takes every inch of strength I have. Because I'm doing it!!! And why because that's exactly what my mum would want. Xx  I've always found it hard to be proud of my self. But I am actually am. I'm doing it. All for my mum. Xx 

Wishing you all a calm week. Xx Keep doing it your way and be proud of you xx

Hi Kate and everybody.

I know I said I was taking a step back from here, but, will still visit now and then to see how you are all doing. As usual, my week has involved tears, but, the waves have been a bit calmer, just trying to keep myself busy, as I think too much.

When I first joined this site a few months ago, Kate was one of the first people to reply to my message. Kate said, no one should walk this journey that we are on alone. People use this site as it’s where other people are in similar circumstances and for me it was to have my feelings/emotions/thoughts confirmed by other people that what i was and I’m feeling is normal. At first I referred to the people on here as, the kindness of strangers, I feel I can now say - the kindness of ‘virtual’ friends.

Glad to hear your recovered from the flu Kate and hope your return to work is going ok.

Take care all xx

Hi Sunny,

You do what you need. Your sister can offer you advice but it's ultimately what you need. My counselor told me to maybe not visit this site - she said everyone has different circumstances and that you can 'rely' on it but what I've been lucky to find is people who really understand. Friends around me say - 'Yea, it's going to be really tough' and I'm like, how do you know? 

Virtual friends is correct - I value my friendship with you guys a lot. Thank you for all the support - especially when you have your own emotions and grief to deal with.

XXX 

Hey ladies. 

Can relate. Some days, I think shall I be going on here. Am I not moving on. But then I realise that this page and especially our little thread, has helped me, so much. It's a space I can express how I feel, to people who are experiencing, yes their own journey. But get the waves and mixed jumble of emotions grief brings. Many times I read posts and think, I could have wrote that. I think we have said many times one of the hardest part of grief, is the world quickly keeps moving. Life goes on. This is incredibly hard. But sadly a fact of life.  I have  progressed in my journey. Just writing that hurts but I have and we do. I hope in some ways that can give others hope. Xx  

Keep talking

Best wishes. Xx 

I'm off today and going to get my clean on, whilst blasting out my mum's beloved Bruce. 

Hi Ladies,

I think sometimes it helps me personally to write down my feelings rather than saying them out loud.  When I spoke to a volunteer from Cruse I just ended up crying and I'm pretty sure she had difficult understanding me, through the snotty nose and breaking voice, so writing here has helped me a great deal, as you say Sunny just to read other people posts and think I'm feeling that too and I am normal. 

Also sometimes it is easier to write to people you're never met before.  People who have not seen a loved one suffer with cancer and have no way of getting better just cannot comprehend it, even now I still struggle myself to process what we're been through.  I find it hard to even talk to my partner about it.  I find if I do mention my mother to certain people they look uncomfortable like I'm going to start bawling my eyes out. I've even had people openly stare at me as if they expect me to break down in a heap.  I've never fully understood people though as the saying goes there's nothing stranger than folk.  Then again maybe I'm the strange one lol. 

I have had and still do have great difficulty in understanding how I am grieving as my mother who was such a massive part of my life and my children's lives I just expected to have completely fallen apart and to have been unable to have carried on with my life, in how I have been trying to carrying on, coming to work, just doing everyday things as normal as walking around a park and even sometimes laughing at something my children have said or done I feel guilt.   Sometimes this guilt has been all consuming, but I suppose that's part of grieving.  I know my mother wouldn't have wanted me to feel this way, she worried more about us than herself.

Anyway I'm sorry for waffling on and probably not making a lot of sense at all!!  I just want to say thanks for reading and replying to my posts and I hope we all somehow manage to live without our loved ones, but I so believe that they continue to watch over us and send us the strength we need.

Take care lovely ladies xxx

Hi Kate,

II do listen to my sisters advice, but, your right, at the end of the day, I have to do what’s right for me and what helps me. To be honest, I have felt a little lost not been on here and felt my support system was cut, so, I will be back on here, but, I will try not to read the other posts and just stay within our little group. I really value the friendships on here too and all the supportive messages from you Kate, Lou, Sunshine, SPu and GBear.

Xx

Hey ladies

Sorry playing catch up again. Work is über busy at the mo.

glad you are feeling better. Hope work is going well.

I have never been to or considered counselling. I hope it brings you some peace. I too am surprised I haven’t fallen apart. But we haven’t - we are the strong women our Mums want us to be.

yep seem to be in a constant state of exhaustion. It’s way beyond a lack of sleep type feeling, is that how you feel? I guess we never know how strong we are until we have to be so. Our Mum’s would be so very proud of us. Hope you enjoyed the cleaning - who/what is Bruce??

Do what you feel is right whenever you feel it. Dip on and out. We are all still here for you.

GBear just in case you’re reading - hope all is well we are thinking of you, no need to reply just wanted to let you know that

Literally cannot stand the constant Mother’s Day reminders - feel like they keep slapping me in the face everywhere I look.

Hoping for calmer waves for us all. At least the weather seems to be getting better..

Take care all xxx

Hi Spu, hi all

Totally with you on the mother’s Day reminders. I literally wanted to push over a card stand in the supermarket the other day! It’s like taking a punch to the heart each time. 

Much better thank you. Just super exhausted. Could only manage the sofa and a bag of peanut m&ms this evening! Have a picture of mum and I near my tele and keep looking at it this evening. Keep replaying over things we said to each other in her last week and I guess it’s a little bump in the sea. 

Hope you all have a peaceful weekend. I’m spending it in the garden weeding. Avoiding an old uni friends get together - just can’t manage it. 

Lots of love to you all xxxx

Yes I have a photo of Mum and I on the mantlepiece which I talk to but sometimes just breaks my heart to see. Happier times. I constantly replay bits in my head which I would rather forget so I can just be left with the nice memories and stop the regrets and stuff I did wrong or said.

Erm “enjoy” the weeding....

xx