My first chemo session went well apart from having to have a sedative before because my BP was high. I have mastered being able to inject myself for five days, the first one it took me a good half hour to muster the courage. The first four days I was ok and carried on normally (well what is normal now) On the fifth the fatigue set in and the next day I could not get out of bed. I have never felt so low. My mouth was disgusting all dry and wrinkled inside and the taste unbearable and no amount of mouthwash will get rid of it. I am taking Manuka honey now and will do so every day I have to believe in its antibacterial qualities to keep my immune system strong. I have not been able to face a nutribullet the very thought makes me gag. I am so sensitive to smell, the poor dog has had to be farmed out because the fifteen year old fur smell permeates my nostrils and brings the bile rising.I am so lucky to have a good support network. The low days I do not want to repeat as I actually began to feel that I couldn't do this again and to die is not actually that bad an option. Please God don't let me feel that low again.
It is quite amazing how differently you can feel from day to day. My mouth quickly started to feel better and I could look forward to Christmas. I got shopping done and was organized for Christmas. Family at mine for Christmas dinner. My hair had started to feel different two weeks after the chemo and had started to shed by the 25th. I actually wore the Wig in the afternoon for a while. Wanting to be in control I got Vicky my lovely friend who has been so supportive to come and buzz my head for me at 10.am the next day. I laughed a bit with the Mohichan she gave me then went upstairs and sang "nothing compares to you" to Eloise. Rob and I then went to my brothers for the day, me sporting my false fringe and beanie thinking I was doing really well coping with the new look. During the afternoon and evening I had to keep going outside to take the hat off and my jumper...I was so hot. I had to do it in secret because I did not want anyone to see my head. Other than that I had a good time and we enjoyed ourselves.
Laying in bed that night I can remember this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. What has become of me I have no breasts, no hair, my hormones are going to be stripped from me, my nails are probably going to go brown and fall off....every thing that is feminine is being taken away. How am I supposed to feel good about myself when I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I hate the bald look and I will never be proud. I did not choose to go on this journey. I would not wish this on my worse enemy.....will my life ever be the same again will I ever feel like the old me. I have read that you age ten years, you gain weight, facial hair,lose sex drive, joint and nerve problems the list goes on. I had a little cry on Robs shoulder but I didn't really cry like I wanted to.
I made up for that the next day. The tears started on the way home and would not stop. They lasted all day and evening and the next day. Rob went away for the night and I was so relieved I could really let go. I also needed to walk around the house bald and get used to my reflection. I needed to find some kind of inner strength to deal with myself. It came slowly. My lovely daughter helped me.Her sense of humour is terrible (like mine). There was me sitting on the bed sobbing saying "Ellie I don't know who this person is looking back at me" she says "I'm sure that's a Disney Song and in two mins was playing it on her ipod...it's from Mulan! I couldn't help but laugh and that broke the cycle of crying. THANK YOU ELLIE you saved me that day. x
My second cycle has not been as traumatic because I knew what to expect. The low point came again but I was prepared and it was short lived. I can cope if it does not last too long.
My lovely friend Julie has sworn and made arrangements to take me again for my next two chemo sessions. You have to have someone with you otherwise the gloomy doom demons come and invade your mind whilst you sit there.
I can do this.
