I felt a little more uneasy this week, because I felt like I had to keep talking for an hour. I don't know, it just felt weird to keep going on about my feelings, thoughts, worries and felt like I was going round in a circle, continually asking unanswered questions. There is very little input from the counsellor and it often feels like I'm talking to myself.
The counselling is good for exploring my feelings more deeply, but it's almost as if I can't see where this is going. I told the counsellor how powerless I felt to stop my Mum dying of cancer and how deeply this disturbed me. I told her how the sheer injustice of it all continues to upset me and affect the way I see my own life as well. And I talked about how I feel that society let my Mum down, in the sense that the doctors said they couldn't treat her cancer. Not being able to treat her isn't good enough in my eyes, which is why I still have such anger towards the doctors. It is not a personal anger; I don't blame any doctors/nurses individually. It's just that I see things on the news about how people have brain tumours removed and recover. And I read about things like genetic modification etc. When I think about how they did the first heart transplant 43 years ago, but still can't treat cancer, it seems so pathetic to me. And it makes me feel angry, as I feel that their inability to find a treatment for cancer has killed my mother.
My counsellor asked me to write a letter to my mother and bring it to the session for next week. One of the things I discussed was that it upset me that my Mum felt she could leave me and I've been thinking about how I could have contributed to that view. You hear stories about women especially, who are diagnosed with cancer, but who fight on because they know they have a family and children to look after. I am 26 and am starting to live my own life, but it scares me to think that my Mum might have let go and left us because she felt she wasn't needed anymore. I grew up watching my Mum fight and beat many illnesses and so I struggle to understand why she didn't this this time.
I'll keep going to counselling, but at the moment, I still feel as I'm struggling to coming to terms with things, as I have these unresolved questions that keep playing on my mind.
