I'm somewhat concerned about my reaction to Mum's passing. Since it happened on Tuesday, I have been relatively
calm. A friend of mine picked this up today when I spoke to him on the telephone.
When my mum passed away on Tuesday, it did hit me. Since then, I have
felt something missing inside and I have felt different in some way.
But I have hardly cried about it. I know different people react in
different ways, but my reaction to it has surprised me. In general, I am a very calm person and I hardly ever get really heated up about things.
Consequently,
I'm wary that I may well have more of a visibly emotional reaction in
the days and weeks to come. Particularly when the visitors to the house
have gone and when my mum's absence is felt more. I do miss her
terribly, but I'm also looking to move on with life. Today I went
shopping in Leeds and met up with a couple of friends for dinner. I
talked a lot about my mum and my feelings about things and they
listened. My Dad and I visited her grave yesterday and he cried lots.
For me, the symbolism of the grave is less. I don't see it as my Mum
being there. I see it as a corpse. And the person that is my Mum is not
there. I think and talk about Mum all the time at the moment, but I
don't need to go to the grave to do it. I will of course visit the
grave with family members to comfort them, but for me, it means
something different.
As I said, I'm concerned that it will
really hit me in the days and weeks to come. That may not necessarily
be a bad thing and it may be a case of allowing the grieving process to
take its natural course. But, I am open to the idea of counselling to
down the line to help me to manage my feelings. I should allow myself
to react however I end up reacting, but I don't want my reaction to
mean that I can't get on with my life in terms of work etc. I did a lot of crying when I found out my Mum's cancer was terminal and I don't know if that made me start to come to terms with the idea of losing her.
Today I looked through some pictures of Mum on the computer. And I felt very sad about what has happened to her. While I do feel relatively calm at the moment, I also deeply feel troubled in a different way. I feel troubled that I watched my Mum decline and eventually die without helping to make her better medically, or at least in the knowledge that was receiving treatment. The idea that there was nothing they could do really disturbs me. It's like I know there probably wasn't much more the doctors could have done and I know that nothing will bring Mum back now. But, the doctors not being able to do anything isn't good enough in my view. Watching someone I love decline and die slowly has deeply disturbed me. It is so unnatural and it runs counter to the human instinct to preserve and protect life. Perhaps I need to talk to someone about these feelings to help me come to terms with what has happened.
