Widow/Widowers club - This is how I feel (1st post 14 July 2010)

I feel so confused, how can my husband be a live in January 2010 and be dead by July 2010. I want to scream. I just sit there staring in to space, zombiefied, my head can't get around the fact that my wonderful husband is dead. I want to SCREAM and shout and cry, I want someone to turn the clock back and make it all better, I don't want to do this, I don't want to be alone, I want my husband back. Its scary knowing that you will never come through the front door. I keep thinking about our holiday in 2009 we had the best time in Mexico it was fantastic it was only yesterday, but now your gone I just don't understand. I just don't understand it, how can they put a man on the moon but not make you better, why. I have to be strong for our little girl, but it's sooooo difficult as she loves you sooooo much and trying to be the strong one now is hard, especially when all I do is cry. Family try to console me but they don't understand. Friends just give me that puppy dog face and say how are you doing, how the blooming hell do you think I'm doing... Stupid Questions. I just want to be left alone, to get my head around it. Why do people always want to know how your doing when you've lost someone. So I don't go out no more, I avoid them like the plague. Just come back that's all I want, I miss you so much it hurts my heart and my head.