Reflections

1 minute read time.

13 Feb 2012

Gosh I don't know how to bring this all together I am slightly tiddly but it is my birthday so think it is allowed!

Today I have stopped to think about it all, I have been so lucky in that I was diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer and after radiotherapy with chemo, three surgeries and 6 months chemo I have managed to have two scans showing NED so far. In some ways I feel guilty that I was lucky and others in my situation were not - my heart goes out to all those that didn't make it and especially to their families ,loved ones, friends. I may have many years or even the rest of my years without reccurrence - I don't know. But that is just it - I do not know and sometimes that is a hard situation to live with. I don't feel sorry for myself but sometimes I am scared. I don't think about it every day and I get on with life with all it's ups and downs but tonight I am thinking that I am living with more uncertainty than I had expected. A number of people have said ' well we could all be run over by a bus tomorrow' and that is true, but no-one seems to understand the threat of cancer unless they have been touched by it.

I don't have any profound insights, just an honest exposure of my innermost feelings.

That is all.

Cathie x

FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hi cathie,

First may I wish you a Happy Birthday for yesterday and hope you celebrated good style.

Yep that limbo feeling and uncertainty hits us cancer lot now and then and there's nothing we are ever going to be able to do to change it. It's just the way it is hey. So don't fight the silly niggles just let them come and then pass.

As you say, we don't feel sorry for ourselves and we certainly appreciate life to the max don't we. You sure have been through alot and come out the other side on top and long may it last.

So on that positive note CHEERS TO YOUR GOOD HEALTH KATHIE,

Take care

Jan xxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hi Cathie

Happy Birthday and may you have many, many more. Your words could have been written by me I feel this way many times. There is no going back once you have been touched by cancer. Yes we all appreciate how lucky we are and sometimes it is so nice to feel understood in how we feel.

All the best Diane x x x x
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hi Cathie:

I can so relate - I was diagnosed with a very aggressive grade of Endometrial (Womb) Cancer last April. I underwent a total abdominal hysterectomy, 3 chemo sessions followed by 5 weeks of external radiation, 3 internals and 3 more sessions of chemo. I have had one CT scan since with NED, but every day I worry.

Here's something I wrote just last week (while my husband and I were cruising)

WHAT AM I?

I'm not "cured"

but i don't have cancer (they say).

I'm not in remission.

So how do I explain this away?

I'm waiting...

"For what" I wish I could tell?

I'm caught in this place

between heaven and hell.

I'm Okay

(Well as far as I know.)

Each day's a real blessing

and I want it to show....

I'm grateful

and long to prove my worth

for the precious time

I've been given on earth!

Pam
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hi Cathie,

Nice to hear from you again, and a belated Happy Birthday!

It was great to read your post because I think I am virtually in the same boat as you. So I totally get what you are expressing and trying say.

I must get asked at least every week by someone "how are you?" or similar, and I always answer well I feel OK, but in my head I think "but I don't really know". However, being an optomist I more often than not work on the principle that I am good and fine unless a consultant tells me otherwise!

Tight lines

Tim xxx
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