Am I a bad person for shouting at my dad?

Hello all thanks for all your kind words of support, it is so nice that I can come on here and have a rant and people understand and make me feel normal again rather than the worst person that ever lived.  

Graeme - thanks for the advice i am going to see if I can get my mum to take some time out for herself and have some time for her.  Hopefully she will, she deserves it bless her.  Thanks.

Jessie - I will take your advice and  write to the doctors andsee if they can help, or I will speak to the Mac nurse/LOROS guys and tell them about the change in his behaviour.  It might make me feel better just to speak to someone rather than trying to deal with it all on my own.  I wondered whether anything sinister was happening with his odd behaviour but they will be able to advise I would presume.  As you say I am trying to protect my mum as she has and is having a really rough time bless her.  I love them both dearly and want what is best for both of them.  Mum is not in the best of health, or a youngster herself, so dad shouting at her is not good for her - whatever the reason.

And thanks Grace I do love him very much and I would do anything for him, I suppose that includes tough love sometimes.  It is difficult as I am the only child and my mum asks me to speak to him and deal with things.  

I really am grateful for all your support.  Take care guys Becky xxx

Hi Becky

you are the most caring and loving daughter your parents could ever have, please don't ever think you are a bad person. Emotions are all of a turmoil at the moment and tempers are bound to flare from time to time, no matter how much you all love each other. No matter how much you talk to each other you are each going through your own inner feelings and emotions and it all gets very, very complicated. I'm sure your father is confused, frightened, disappointed and a whole load of other things and as is often the case it's those nearest and dearest who are in the firing line.

I sometimes wonder how we are going to get through this awful time in my family - I am in dread of the inevitable deterioration, even wishing sometimes that something unrelated will take my Mum away so that she won't have to suffer for a long time. The thought of her getting weaker and thinner and suffering is too much to bear.

In my mum's case it's my Dad who gets angry and that upsets her a lot. He's so worried about her but can't talk about her cancer and I think this is his coping strategy.  She's like a timid little lamb, accepting everything that's happening so well that I wonder sometimes if it has sunk in!

You just continue to support your parents in the best way that you can---by being around as much as you feel able. But one bit of advice a friend gave me recently was that I must look after myself too, and you must do the same or you'll wear yourself down!

Take care, Sue x

Hi Sue thanks for your message.  You are right when you say emotions run high at this time and that we are all going through thoughts and turmoil.  I too wonder how we will get through.  I feel for my dad and my mum and sometimes I feel sorry for me - shallow moment I know.  I too have thought that a peaceful, quick demise would be a blessing for my dad and I am so afraid of the deterioration returning.  I thought last year that he would not be here by Christmas and I truly believe that had he not come off the trial he would not have been.  I am truly grateful that he is an see this as a major plus in our negative journey but it can feel scary knowing what could come back, wondering when, will it be worse.  He is due to go back on the 11thFeb and I wonder what he will do.  He has already said that if it is a case of life and death, ironic as he has terminal stage 4 cancer, that he will go back on them.  The deterioration is what I fear the most as it took every shred of the man I knew and left him weak and broken.

How is your mum doing?  It must be hard for your dad having to watch your mum being ill and not being able to do anything to help.  I think we all feel like that sometimes but men struggle with emotions I think.  I hope you are okay.  I am grateful for your advice about looking after myself and this weekend my husband and I did have a weekend just the 2 of us and I think the break did me good.  Take care and thank you Becky xxxx

Hi Becky

glad to hear things are a bit more settled at the moment and well done for giving yourselves a break at the weekend! My husband has just organised a long weekend in Dorset for the 2 of us at the beginning of March - something to look forward to without being too far away. We haven't been anywhere since last July so I'm sure it will do us both some good.

Good and not so good news about my Mum - she has had another CT in mid Jan and we went to see the oncologist a couple of weeks ago. The good news is that her lungs have improved and some of the mets have disappeared and some have shrunk ( as they can do apparently when the primary is removed) this is quite noticeable in that she no longer coughs and doesn't seem breathless any more. Bad news is that she now has a small liver lesion.

I'm quite confused and rather cross as the oncologist seems to have moved the goal posts- at previous appointments she's been told she was too frail etc for sutent, but it would be considered if she picked up. She's now eating well and is no longer sick and has put on about 10 lbs. I asked why he wasn't giving her a chance of treatment at this stage and he said that because she's feeling better and her body was fighting the disease that they would keep the treatment option for when she gets problems!!! In my view a new liver lesion is a problem.

I've tried to talk to her about whether she wants to push to give treatment a go, but she won't give me a straight answer so I have shut up about it for now.

I spent 4 days with my parents last week and I'm grateful that my Mum is enjoying her food again (she even managed a chicken korma I made for her !) and she's definitely filling out a bit in the face. We went looking for a new 3-piece suite and she insisted on walking and not using the wheelchair. We also walked the length of the prom and back which she couldn't have managed a couple of months ago

I'm slowly accepting that in our situation we have to enjoy the little accomplishments made each day and also that I need to adopt my Mum's attitude of just getting on with things and looking ahead to warmer weather and a new 3-piece suite !

Take care Becky

Sue x

Hi Sue it was lovely to hear from you.  Glad that there has been some good news and that your mums apetite has returned, it is so nice to see them filling out after looking so gaunt.  It is good to hear that you are taking some much needed time for yourself and your husband. Sounds like just the ticket and it has been a long time since you have had a break.  Sometimes we need that to recharge our batteries and start again.

I understand what you mean about letting things lie and then trying again.  I have given up naging my dad but try gently and then leave it a while and then try again - I think this is better.  I think that the oncologists can be confusing they move the goal posts all the time. They tell you that once they are back on their feet then we will let them have the drugs but when that time comes they change their minds.  Very upsetting for the family even if there is a genuine reason, it builds your hopes up only to have them dashed again.  Like you say though small achievements are all that matters now.  I bought my dad a train set for Christmas and he seems to be enjoying it - small blessings as little else seems to cheer him up at the moment.  I hope that things continue to go as well as they can and you enjoy your break.  You take care and we will all continue to take one step at a time.  We are at the hospital on Thursday so we shall see what that brings.  Best wishes to you xxxx