Is it wrong to shout at the person that you love most in the word when you know that they have a terminal illness and you keep being told to make the most of the time that you have with them? My dad is so angry at the moment and is lashing out at everyone, mainly my mum and me. I feel so sorry for her as she takes so much and he is so nasty. The venom when he shouts is awful to watch and mum is really struggling with it at the moment. She seems so down bless her and I don't know what to do to help. I am not really sure where this anger has come from, I know that sounds stupid as the man has a terminal illness but since coming off the drugs trial he has seemed so much better, he can eat and has put some of the 3 stone in weight that he lost. Christmas was great but New Year was where is all went wrong and I am assuming, maybe wrongly, that a New Year scares him, I base that on the fact that it scares me. I took them out yesterday and hoped for a lovely day, oh dear how wrong can you be?? He was so rude to my mum and shouted, and I mean shouted, at her for a tiny error and I just lost it , in a big way and told him what I thought about how he is treating his loved ones. i was so angry and just boiled over. As soon as the words left my mouth I felt so bad and sat in the back of the car and silently sobbed, I did apologise later but in my mind the damage was done. I really am trying to be patient and understanding for him but yesterday I lost the plot. I even told him he was being an arsehole - how bad is that??? :0(
I wish I could understand what is going off in his head but he doesn't talk about things. He flat refuses to go and see his Mac nurse, or have counselling from them or LOROS - even though both have offered. He has no friends to speak of and will not speak to his brother. I am not sure how he can deal with all this on his own and mum says he does not talk to her. Dad occassionally talks to me when we are on our own but that is rare. His personality has changed completely, I sometimes don't recognise the man that shouts at my mum and is so, so nasty. Is this normal? I know he has so much to deal with but I feel so for my mum. My family is disintergrating and I am finding so hard to cope. I just want a miracle to put everyhting right. Friends and family say - make the most of it and be happier that he has come off the drugs trial and seems healthier - but the illness still takes its toll and damages my lovely family in unimaginable ways that are so hard to deal with. I hope that this sounds normal to someoone on this site because at the moment I think I may be going insane. Why can't I be normal and be patient with him? Why can't I be happy for the small blessings that we have been given rather than worrying about when it will get worse and being without him? Why can't we unlearn things that we learn? Am I a bad person? Will life ever be the same - I thinl I know the answer to that and it's no never and I find that so hard to deal with. This whole experience is awful and I am struggling to cope, whilst trying to function normally and show people that I am okay as I am aware that they don't want to hear how crap life is. Why, why, why??? I think that today is just one of those days, I hope it is anyway, one of my downs with a few ups thrown in for good measure.
