Once again I held off writing because there didn't seem much to say but once again suddenly there is.
Since my last post the dynamic of our lives has changed completely. From a frantic state of activity, daily stress and hourly checking for news about the house purchase and health appointments we have moved to a calmer situation and subsequent time to begin to reflect and process the new emerging reality.
The house front to begin with- we received all the draft contract documents a couple of weeks ago. All seemed fine until we reached the clause that required us to confirm our residence in the uk of at least 6 months. Why? Well, evidently otherwise stamp duty is doubled! Yes, you can reclaim it eventually but finding it up front was set to become a show-stopper. Enter our estate agent who, not to be denied his commission, talked to the vendor and various arrangements have been agreed thankfully. Meanwhile the mortgage application was finally submitted and we now await the final decision. If it fails we start looking for a rental. Not ideal but at least we're on the last stretch towards some certainty. Being able to park that anxiety has helped enormously towards dealing with everything else. Which is...
Since I last posted J has had another CT scan, a biopsy and first appointment with his oncologist. (Up till then we'd been seeing colorectal surgeons and their teams.) These appointments were all set up very quickly though information about which hospital got a bit muddled! The scan and biopsy went smoothly. Because it was a liver biopsy they take extra precautions. J had to stop his anticoagulants for a couple of days before and there is a mandatory resting period after the procedure of several hours before release. Then limited activity for a couple of weeks. The procedure itself was uncomfortable but not painful. The staff monitor pain levels throughout and afterwards. He had some pain during the following evening as the local anesthetic wore off, then nothing more.
The following day we met the oncologist. It may be helpful to describe the meeting.
As a first appointment she took a detailed history again and a general health assessment. She asked what we already knew and we told her the rather brutal facts given us by the surgeon we met last. She didn't contradict the facts but added that surgeon's only cut things out but she has a lot more tools at her disposal to help, which was sort of reassuring 
. She then moved on to talk about the scan and biopsy report- though not the analysis yet. Evidently there are several spots on the liver which may be dealt with in various ways depending on their nature. The doctor was unable to get a good sample from the biopsy but took some cells from the adjacent lymph node. Both he and the oncologist feel there is something suspicious going on there which may not be good news. Essentially if it has escaped the liver and established in the node that limits what can be done specifically on the liver and indicates a wider spread of the disease. We need to wait for results from the node plus the PET scan results to know for sure. She offered to meet us the following week for the biopsy results but we opted to wait a further week till she would have the PET results.
Aside from a lecture on the perils of moderate alcohol consumption- which seemed somewhat redundant tbh- it was a positive experience.
So we arrived at the Easter break in a very different place practically and emotionally.
It's a bit difficult to describe but these are some of the strands..
Letting go of micro-managing the move has allowed us to be bored enough to force J into reflecting on other things.
Having a non-disputable diagnosis has also allowed him to begin to accept the fact and move on from denial. Evidence being his asking the oncologist if it was ok to continue to plan the move despite imminent chemotherapy. She said, "definitely- go for it. We can work with you on this."
These things in turn have allowed us to begin to have real conversations about the future - and past - bringing us much closer again.
We are both great planners so have responded characteristically by beginning to plan a positive future. This has involved some practical actions- buying Premier League season tickets for example- but also addressing some neglected relationship issues with very positive results.
We are also experiencing some what you might call philosophical shifts-
My husband as a 75 year old white Londoner is a product of his age and background. As such, despite being an avowed liberal lefty, he can express some somewhat reactionary views when he's not feeling generous. Recently he has recognized this, declaring that it's time he was nicer and try to stop before making knee-jerk 'jokes' at others expense.
For myself there are currently two main effects- one positive one less so.
I'll look at that first - after 25 years of affection for his son - never my step-son, I now find myself irrationally jealous of any contact they have. It feels shocking and shameful and quite baseless but I am terrified he's going to turn up and 'claim' his father and I'll be bullied aside. How mad is that but that's my fear echoing old insecurities about his ex-wife..
To end on a positive note- something quite strange and powerful happened the other day- I was feeling warm and loved and secure again and suddenly I realised that I could deal with this. I could be brave and strong at the prospect of whatever lies ahead and beyond. I was absolutely the best person to support J and I would learn and grow through it. So that afterwards, whenever, I would not collapse and break down but use that strength to give back and celebrate the gift of our life.
So now I feel so much more prepared for the next stage of our journey. Thank you if you've read to the end of this long screed
