I'm finding it quite difficult to start writing today. It's been such a strange week and I'm at a bit of a loss to work it out.
At the end of last week we had a mortgage application made and were waiting on an MRI appt.
It was a beautiful warm weekend. Sunday we went with my son to a nearby National Trust property. It is a house and garden I had long wanted to visit and even more so since using it as a teaching aid with one of my English students in France. Despite being too early for the famed roses there was an ethereal beauty about the setting. Everything was so calm and peaceful despite the large number of visitors. Everyone we passed on our 3 mile walk smiled and said hello as if they too were affected by the magical tranquility.
The weather began to change on Monday but it was still warm for the time of year as we anticipated the week ahead.
The previous week we had enrolled back into the County Library. Our records from 12 years ago had been lost but a lovely lady helped out and we're back in the system. When we left in 2013 the library service was in the process of being forcibly dismantled due to Austerity and we didn't know what to expect. We were extremely pleasantly surprised and relieved. Of course we were completely at a loss as to how to use the check out system but it turns out to be very similar to the French system.
I'm still getting used to being able to ask for help without preparing the question beforehand and then also understanding the answer. My French is very good but J's less so, so it was always a tension.
Tuesday we were beginning to anticipate both news about the mortgage and MRI date. Tuesday afternoon we missed a call from MRI appointments and were frustratingly unable to get through to call back.
First thing Wednesday morning they called us to offer an appointment the same day after lunch. Nil by mouth. J had just made our morning tea so that was ditched.
This is where things turned strange. At first sight you would think that having such short notice would be a good thing but in fact J was completely spooked by it. I have not seen him so anxious since his period in hospital last year. It was contagious and I found myself suddenly reaching a depth of feeling I hadn't experienced since then either. The scan itself was routine but J emerged as if in shock. It took a couple of days to recover his equilibrium. I am still suffering from a far deeper anxiety than any rational assessment of the situation warrants.
No, we still haven't heard about the mortgage but our adviser assures us its because of delays due to the imminent Stamp Duty increase and our vendor is cool. And yes, the new lesions have been detected very early which is a Good Thing.
I talked just now with my son who is himself a senior clinician in the health service. He asked if I was planning to see my gp to seek help for how I'm struggling. I explained a deep rooted fear of anxiety medication having been a principal support for my mother during her addiction to ativan and librium. He assured me these are no longer prescribed for anxiety. But I also confided that I was talking anonymously to Macmillan and how much it helped - which it really does.
Thank you
