I thought I'd start a blog to stop me cluttering up Incurables with too many threads as my mind spews out bullshit at a remarkably fast rate.
Mixed emotions this morning, still haven't figured them out myself. The words "No you definately won't see Christmas" have rung through my head on an hourly basis since my Oncologist muttered them to me four days before my 55th birthday in late August.
I don't claim to have fought cancer. I haven't even really got into the whole thing, no looking it up on the internet, no extended Q&A sessions with Doctors, I don't even know what type,class or where it all is really. all i do is attend all my appointments and do what my medical team tell me.
Now I find mysef in a funny place really. Emotionally, Physically and mentally. Where do i go from here?
Physically tomorrow marks three weeks since my last chemo, and I'm not too sure what happens next? i am feeling a bit more breathless but if i take things at my own pace i can still do most stuff.
Emotionally this morning feels a bit of a void that I'm a little worried about exploring relief at having made Christmass ? yes ( i sat from 11:00 until 2:30 this morning with my eyes leaking and worrying about what comes next? do i celebrate my acheivement at still being here? nah guess not, I've done nothing special i even took up smoking again after 5 years quit, as the Dr said ......well no ned to worry about it killing you any more is there? I guess i'll gradually poke around the edges of this void and figure it out one way or the other.
Mentally I feel ready to face what will eventually happen and having joined this group seems to help a great deal, just the sheer fact of ordering my thoughts and acknowledging my feelings to the extent where I can splurt out my semi cohesive ramblings and pronouncements seem to have helped me understand my own drivers better. which is i suppose reason enough? No the true vein of gold i have struck mining this oarticular group is the responses! Pure 24 Carat gold the knowledge that I am not alone along with the wit and warmth of you all coupled with sound advice you feel you can trust.
I have always been a large than life outspoken charecter I have not lead a conventional 2.56 type life and have no intention of starting now, I will follow my medical advice blindly, I have enough going on in my mind not to waste any space treying to second guess the professional team caring and supporting me. All this pushing for drugs that have been succesfull in trials somewhere or drinking potions to slow the spread or whatever!!! not worth worying about to me. (please note that I don't criticise anyone elses right to do it if they feel it helps them) I'll take good food nice wine, even a beer or ten with my freinds the odd joint (just to slow down on the morphine usage of course!|)
If anything has heped me beyond the medicines and treatments i would put it down to not wanting to become a "patient" and wanting to stay me until the end.
So now we enter a new chapter. Going trepidatiously forward. I suppose at some stage my Oncoloist will want to see me again? I did get a call asking me to pop in for a CT scan on the 5th of Jan so i guess she reckons i;ll last until then! Ultimate target has to be Hannah's Eighteenth on February the 15th. after that we will see!
So to round this missive out ....I have woken up Christmas morning heaklthy (ish) i have a table or four booked at a very nice hotel in Emswoth for lunch......my 94 year old mother decided she was worried about drink driving this year! LOL so we are going down to meet her and have a lunch that when i booked i never thought i would eat!!!!!
Must go there is a chapagne flute with my name on it in the kitchen.
K
ps Lung tumor burst spread to liver and beyond from what i can gather
