So it has been 1 week, all my nearest and dearest know; which was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do especially tell my hubby and mum that I have an inoperable tumour; wouldn't wish that conversation on anyone although we all dealt with it better than expected. 

My work now know, both current and future (that was tricky trying to explain to your new boss that you will still be starting but you need to get through chemoradiation first and telling your current boss that you will be handing your notice in but you need to finish your maternity and go on to sick pay first; very surreal!) and both are being very supportive. 

Apart from having to do lots of information gathering regarding finances, benefits, employment rights etc. my day to day life hasn't really changed and yet at the same time everything has changed! 

I am still a wife and a mother, I still see my friends, take my daughter to nursery, rugby and gymnastics, I still do household chores and pay bills, I still attempt to "cook" for the family (thank goodness for cooking in a bag) I don't feel like a "cancer patient" (whatever that should feel like). 

However underneath all the normalcy I still know that I carry this "dark passenger" (sorry Dexter writers) which taints every task, whether due to the pain or pain meds, the bleeding, having to explain why you can't agree to appointments next year as you are awaiting treatment dates, keeping my phone on loud volume and nearby constantly waiting for a date for my PET-CT scan, constantly checking the support group and forum for more stories of hope, worrying every sensation is a sign of the cancer spreading, desperate to start treatment but terrified of the potential consequences such as: fatigue, pain, lower limb swelling, bladder and bowel problems, sexual dysfunction (wonderful, as if having cancer didn't suck enough?!). 

I am sure once treatment starts the reality of my situation will sink in and I will have to get used to a new normality where my "dark passenger" becomes my "dark chauffeur" and I become a "cancer patient" (whatever that is) but until then I will continue to attempt to live the best I can, taking one step at a time and trying as much as possible to not let my possible future stand in the way of me living my life now. 

Next step further tests to confirm staging and Christmas : )