The following Wednesday I went for my colposcopy with son in tow, as he was still breastfed then and gave me a positive distraction from the upcoming procedure. 

The nurse called me through and I spoke to the consultant who was very polite and professional and who took a detailed history about and signs and symptoms and pregnancy and pain before I went through for the examination and biopsies; all of which was extremely painful as all my smears and speculums have been but the nurses were wonderful throughout and distracted me with questions and compliments regarding my son (he is gorgeous and very well behaved).

Once I was dressed the consultant invited me back into his office along with the 2 nurses and explained that he had taken 4 biopsies and that the results would be back by the end of the following week and that he would be arranging an MRI and CT scan and blood tests and that I would probably need an examination under anaesthesia at some point in the not so distant future. At this point my mind was racing; Why results so quickly; as I though it could take 4 weeks? Why scans and further examinations?! So I asked the question, did he think it was cancer?! The response suprised me...yes! The consultsnt explained that he had found a mass and that it was most likely malignant but that he would need all the results to confirm and plan treatment. I thanked him for his honesty, said goodbye and headed back to my car with my son, head reeling with the news. I needed to tell someone, I needed to say the words out loud. I rang my husband and my mum but no answer do I rang my best friend, who is also a nurse, and told her what I had just been told, I have cancer or at least a bloody high probability! To be honest the conversation was a bit of a blur but I remember afterwards sitting feeding my son in a chair outside the childrens outpatients and sobbing, thinking to myself this can't be happening, this isn't real. 

I also vaguely remember speaking to my husband and telling him we needed to talk once our 3 year old was in bed and driving home crying thinking I can't have cancer I have 2 children, a husband and a new job offer, this timing sucks! 

When I got home it wasn't long before our daughter was in bed and we had the conversation about what the consultant had said and what was going to happen next; that is a conversation I will always remember but wish I could forget!