Here we go...

Hello Ilan

I, too, was very frightened as I sat by the bed about what death would look and sound like, how my husband would look afterwards, etc. As is apparently quite common, he actually died when I was out of the room although still in the building. I was told immediately and rushed back to see him. I had been in the room alone with him for the previous few hours and had felt a strong sense of peace around me. I was not there at the moment of his death so I cannot be sure but I did not get the sense that it had been difficult or frightening. Once he had died, it was also not frightening to be there with his body. It was very obvious that he was no longer present.  I felt a sense of calm which I hope emanated from his spirit, although we cannot know.

One thing I wish I had done was spend longer with him after he passed. It's an individual choice but something to bear in mind. Also do not judge your own reactions. You may not feel as you expect to feel (I didn't) but whatever you feel is OK.

If your mother was in pain, she would be able to make that known even though she can't speak. The hospice nurses were very alert to any signs of discomfort when my husband was unconscious, and once or twice they increased the pain relief. I hope that you are being supported by nursing staff and if so they will know whether your mum needs any more sedation or pain management.

Thinking of you during your vigil. I believe she will know you are there.

At 0530 this morning Mum lost her battle. She was comfortable and peaceful but my heart breaks every time I think I can't call her or talk to her again.