Perfect storm.

Well Hun, that was a very honest and beautifully written post. It brought tears to my eyes because after seeing you so happy on Saturday I feel sad that you now feel so alone! I want to reach out and give you the biggest hug! I want you to come back and spend more time with me! I can listen to you and I can empathise with you and above all else I can tell you that all of this is perfectly normal!

You admit yourself that you have just been through the scariest, crappiest and loneliest year of your life. You, like most of us went from one treatment to the next, didn't pass GO did not collect £200, you were in your own little world, your one aim being to beat this bloody disease! Well you did that part! Now for the even trickier part!

Now why is this trickier? I hear you asking! Because this is the part where you have to face up to ALL the thoughts and feelings that you didn't have time to deal with over the last year! This my friend is where you allow yourself time and it does take time, to work through everything!

You will find days, like yesterday, when tears flow for no reason! But when you stop and think about it there was a reason! You were mourning the loss of your security! The loss of your carefree life where you plodded along quite happily without a care in the world, a life where you would do what you want when you wanted, then BAM breast Cancer reared its ugly head and that was all taken away in one fail swoop on the day they said, "I'm sorry JMC04 it's Cancer"!

So does this mean you will never be happy again? NO! Does it mean you will always feel sad? NO! Does it mean you need to work through some emotions and that you may need help to do that? YES! BUT it's doable Hun! Really it is! 

I have seen you with Mr P and I could see how much he loves you! Maybe he needs a gentle reminder that you are feeling fragile? I also wonder whether you might benefit from seeing a counsellor? At some point! Maybe once you have moved it might be easier! It might just give you the space and time to say all those things that are going around and around in your head that you aren't able to say to the ones you love!

You have so much going on at the moment and it must be hard to feel on the outside of all that happiness. But Hun, YOU ARE CURRENTLY, NED! That is fantastic and you are allowed to be happy! It won't come back just because you allow yourself to have some fun and enjoy life for a bit! IF it comes back you can deal with it then, but don't let the fear of what might never happen, take away the time you have now! You have so much going on, GOOD things! 2018 could be the best year ever! But only if you allow it to be!

Time to start being kind to yourself! Being more open with Mr P or maybe just share with a friend!! You know where I am! Take Care my Friend! Xxxx

p.s. See I can babble on just as much as you xx

Thank you so much, all of what you said made perfect sense. I think I’m just tired and exhausted.

Thank you my lovely friend for being there and for your wise words.

Lets see what today brings, surely it cannot be as bad as yesterday?

Xxx

Jmc04 I thanked you last time for writing and I thank you again. We haven't spoke often I don't think but I was diagnosed same time and I always read your posts. We seem SO similar I understand so much been with hubby since 18 now 49. But I feel so different to him now at times and actually jealous we have our family we've built together but now I may have to leave them if this comes back. He will still have them all. At weekend I cried and said I didn't want him to ever be with anyone else he said he could never replace me. He loves,me so much but I know he'd probably move on it time. I'm trying so hard to move on but inside I'm still heartbroken. If I get secondary my children will be put through so much. It's awful isn't it. Had my first mammogram and had to have it repeated due to technical error but even if it's clear ill still have this over me. Thanks again it's,lovely you're so honest it helps me feel not so alone xx

So glad that I've joined - I feel exactly the same way. I've just finished chemotherapy (last Friday) and I had strange thoughts from relief to emotional/fearful. When we got home my husband ran himself a bath and relaxed! And that was it! I presume he thought- well that's over now, got a break over Christmas then start last hurdle - 3 weeks of radiotherapy. I spoke to him about it and we ended up rowing. Lovely! I've just come to the conclusion that no one really knows what it's like unless it happens to you. I can understand that but thought my husband would understand more than anyone else but obviously not.

Maybe he's trying to keep positive and 'normal' and I'm just being over sensitive but I feel disappointed that I'm trying to work out his feelings and not the other way round. It's made me feel better knowing that other people have felt the same way and my husband is not that unusual!

I feel like I have to keep my true feelings under wraps because I don't feel elated- I feel frightened and that I will never be the same again. I really have to get my head round this as I really don't want to live in fear of the cancer returning. That's what frightens me the most - that I won't be the same as before all this happened. I've lost my sparkle.

Can't believe I'm writing this. I've written notes along the way just to myself which has helped but thought I'd write on here when I read the earlier posts.

Thanks for reading.

Hey JMC

I'm sorry you're going through this too. It's awful.

Please do keep writing on here. It does help to get it all out. Please also consider what Sal says about trying counselling. Sometimes a professional can ask the questions in a way that helps us to understand what's happening in our addled brains better.

Even though I was expecting to have a rough time post treatment, and got myself on antidepressants in preparation, it's still a daily battle to climb out of the hole and get living again. Exhausted. No motivation. Hubby doesn't seem to notice. And he's depressed and sleeps ALL the time. I am on the waiting list for counselling now - another month or so to go.

Thank goodness for this place, and the friends we have here eh?

BIG HUGS

xx