Perfect storm.

3 minute read time.

12 Dec 2017

Yesterday was a bad day. One of the worst in the last year. I have no idea why, I suppose a perfect storm of lots of little things all gathering together hitting me all at once.

Maybe a couple of years ago I would have coped and just moved on, but yesterday I came to a stop. A great big stop. The help and support of one special friend I made on here on this site got me through the day. I will remember her help and that day forever, and I really do mean that.

I blogged a while ago about being honest and telling my husband how I really felt and that it made me feel better. Well it did... for a while. It did because for a few days I think he took it on board and thought about what I’d said, thought about what I’d been through, how it’s changed me, how tired I get, how underneath all of my smiles and cheerfulness I feel broken sometimes, but sadly he seems to have forgotten everything I told him. You see his life is different to mine, he can dip in and out of being understanding, he has a ‘secure’ future, mine is built on sand, he will never understand that. It’s not his fault, and I’m truly glad he’s not in this place where I am, because I do love this man with all of my heart, he has been my whole life. Yes I feel let down but I accept that maybe tiredness has made me feel worse.

We are at my daughters, we have been rushing around visiting relatives for the last three weeks, it’s been lovely, but I am tired, I am very tired, I have a cold that won’t go and I’m not sleeping, we have been decorating for the last week, we have been so so busy, this is where the problem lies. When he has things to occupy his mind he’s happy, very happy but I get the feeling he then forgets how I feel, how fragile my feelings are, how tired and scared I feel at times. He’s wrapped up in this diy that he loves doing and there’s room for nothing else in his head.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this because it won’t change any thing but I think it clears my head.

So I’ve just been downstairs to get some honey as my throat is so sore, he was in the kitchen getting some biscuits because he woke up, probably because I had a cough, I said I had a very sore throat, he just turned around and went to bed. I stood in the kitchen and cried, we are at our daughters house so I have to be quiet, there has been another issue recently too but I won’t go into that. All I can say is that I feel so very let down. After 34 years of being together I feel sad, so bloody sad. Maybe I’m just unloveable now.

That’s how I feel right now. A year ago I was fighting for my life, I’d just shaved off all of my hair and had started chemo, I thought my life would be special if I got through it. Now I wonder about everything. Perhaps I’m just exhausted.

Tomorrow we have a long journey home in the car, perhaps I need to ask him a few questions. Maybe he wants out? I wouldn’t blame him.

Anyway if anyone is reading this sorry for the depressing blog but I said I’d be honest , and there it is, that’s what honesty looks like and sometimes it’s not pretty.

One thing is for sure, yesterday was a turning point for me, I reached rock bottom and I am going to claw myself back up somehow, I just don’t know how yet.

Zappaman over 6 years ago

JM, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time just now. I think exhaustion and lack of sleep could be a factor. However I must point out that he is a Man ! We sometimes need things spelled out for us, so tell him that you need to speak to him. Write down your thoughts and feelings and emotions, fears etc so you know what you want to talk about. Tell him that you want him to listen and not to keep butting in with answers. ( He will just be trying to be helpful ). Tell him that you are happy to talk about it and let him say what he feels and listen to suggestions maybe a day later. He may be thinking that everything is fine and you are back to " normal " or you would have said something. If I fixated on the statistics for a man of my age with oesophageal cancer and the survival rates there would not have been much point in going through the surgery. It's normal to have a worry if you get a twinge or something else that reminds us of the initial diagnosis. I was told at my first check up 6 months after surgery that I only had a 20- 25% chance of surviving 2-5 years. So I could look at that as me having a 75-80% likelihood of me dying. I choose to accept that without treatment I would be dead by now and every day is a blessing. I'm also happy that I have not had to go back to work and if I choose to do nothing all day I'm ok with that. Other times I do some light DIY, go log collecting with a friend and saw the logs up with my chainsaw, then have a day or two recovering. If anything what I have been through has reminded me that life is fragile and none of us know when we shall shuffle off this mortal coil. Over 1 million people will go to bed tonight worldwide and not wake up tomorrow, if I wake up tomorrow morning I will be happy that I am still here. I can still have a moan or a whinge and a laugh and a joke with my wife or a friend. It has brought me closer to my sisters and brothers and I keep in touch with all of them regularly I look forward to my niece's keeping me updated on what's app with pictures of their babies. So talk to your husband and tell him how you really feel. Macmillan stepping stones course about moving on after treatment may help, also counseling as others have said could help. You are not alone my lovely, find the inner strength that got you through it all, find inner peace and love yourself. Kind regards and a big virtual hug, love Frank
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JMC04 over 6 years ago

Thank you, ALL of you for your kind comments, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes having read them all, realising that I’m not so strange for getting this far and crumbling a bit, no actually a lot.

I was expecting to get through treatment and just carry on as before, but I’ve had a reality check, I am human, and I am not as strong as I thought I was, and I’m obviously not the only one feeling the way I do.

Zappaman thanks for getting me to look at things through the eyes of a man, that was very interesting, I will remember what you’ve said. Today I wrote hubby a very long letter explaining everything, it seems to have done the trick for us both.

I did think that if things didn’t improve then counselling would be a thought, because days like yesterday...well I’m not sure how many of those I could take.

Again thank you to everyone, Optimistic...and MC61, my heart goes out to you both, at least we all understand each other here. No need to pretend.

LondonLass, Zappaman and Toxophilite have given some wonderful sensible advice, I think we need a reminder every now and then, when we get exhausted and confused that we aren’t going crazy, this is all part of trying to get to the light at the end of the tunnel....somebody just keeps turning it off every now and then, one day hopefully it’ll stay on and we will actually reach the damned thing!

Xxx
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