A day of ups and downs.

2 minute read time.

13 Dec 2016

Tuesday 13th December.

It's been a strange day, we went to do a bit of Christmas shopping this morning, ( it was a hat, not wig day) in a lovely little seaside town, while we were there we walked the dogs in the park, It felt like an effort to make conversation, all I could think was that last time we were there I was so happy, I had that feeling again that I wanted to wake up from this awful dream, but I know it's not a dream, it's bloody real and it's about me.

I was ok for a few days, and was annoyed that I was getting those feelings again, anyway I tried to force them away and just got on with it. I bought some gifts for the grandson I won't now be able to see when he's born, and some bits for my daughters that I won't now see at Christmas. I guess if I'm being honest I was feeling sorry for myself really.

When we got back to the car we found one of the dogs had been sick on the car seat, little things like don't have the same reaction from me as before, either it doesn't register because it doesn't matter, or it's the absolute end of the world! Today it didn't matter. I didn't care.

We stopped at a national trust property on the way home and walked the dogs again in the woods there, the cafe was open, so we had a coffee, followed by another one, I enjoyed that, we really had a good chat then for an hour or so,and I started to feel happier. But once home I started to feel anxious, the what ifs started to creep in again. So I decided to finish a jumper I'd been knitting for the baby, that kept my brain busy for a couple of hours.

I am just putting today down to the fact that it's blood tests tomorrow and round two of chemo on Friday. I didn't think I was worried about it but I think deep down I think I am waiting for something to go wrong somewhere along the way. It seems lately that it always does.

The last week has been quite calm compared with the five weeks before it.

Oh well tomorrow is another day, let's hope it's a good one, I will try my best to make it better than today was.

Stop this ride...I want to get off!!!

Zappaman over 8 years ago

JM I'm glad you got through the day, sounds like one of those " no particular reason " days but you just feel a bit down. So well done for keeping your spirits up and plodding along. I've had a couple of days of wasted time of indecision at a local hospital just to get a simple stitch replaced on the jejunostomy feeding tube. Finally after another 3 hours today they put the stitch in that the A&E wouldn't do yesterday and that was after they phoned me to go to them. Frustrating waste of time ! Enough of my petty woe's.

Hugs and best wishes to you and your family
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FormerMember over 8 years ago

Hi JM,Some days are diamonds some days are stone.

Bless you,you will get days when you feel you are on a downer or should I say a stone day,and its hard to pull yourself from it.

In my hallway I have a fairy door sticker with flowers round it and a lovely little fence on it and there have been times when I have looked at that door and in my minds eye I have knocked on that little door and asked if I can please come into their world just for a little while for a cuppa,so sit yourself down,close your eyes,and find my little fairy door, you know the one, its near the bathroom door,knock on it and tell them Dee sent you,escape for a while my friend,sounds silly but it works for me.

BTW my black Labrador who is 16 bless him is a very good listener and when I have sat looking at my door he is right there beside me.

Stay strong we are all here for you and with you.

Love and Hugs

Dee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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JMC04 over 8 years ago

Hi Grannie and Zappaman.

You both speak sense, and zappaman I don't think your woes are petty, my goodness I don't know how you cope with all that, but I suppose we just have to cope. Hope the stitches hold now, sounds like the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing at the hospital.

I think I'll take you up on the fairy door offer Dee, it sounds lovely right now. Dogs are very good listeners aren't they, sometimes just giving one of my dogs a stroke does the job, I was worried what they would think of me bald, but they didn't look twice.

Thanks again to you both, and sending love and hugs to you.

Xxx
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