Tuesday 13th December.
It's been a strange day, we went to do a bit of Christmas shopping this morning, ( it was a hat, not wig day) in a lovely little seaside town, while we were there we walked the dogs in the park, It felt like an effort to make conversation, all I could think was that last time we were there I was so happy, I had that feeling again that I wanted to wake up from this awful dream, but I know it's not a dream, it's bloody real and it's about me.
I was ok for a few days, and was annoyed that I was getting those feelings again, anyway I tried to force them away and just got on with it. I bought some gifts for the grandson I won't now be able to see when he's born, and some bits for my daughters that I won't now see at Christmas. I guess if I'm being honest I was feeling sorry for myself really.
When we got back to the car we found one of the dogs had been sick on the car seat, little things like don't have the same reaction from me as before, either it doesn't register because it doesn't matter, or it's the absolute end of the world! Today it didn't matter. I didn't care.
We stopped at a national trust property on the way home and walked the dogs again in the woods there, the cafe was open, so we had a coffee, followed by another one, I enjoyed that, we really had a good chat then for an hour or so,and I started to feel happier. But once home I started to feel anxious, the what ifs started to creep in again. So I decided to finish a jumper I'd been knitting for the baby, that kept my brain busy for a couple of hours.
I am just putting today down to the fact that it's blood tests tomorrow and round two of chemo on Friday. I didn't think I was worried about it but I think deep down I think I am waiting for something to go wrong somewhere along the way. It seems lately that it always does.
The last week has been quite calm compared with the five weeks before it.
Oh well tomorrow is another day, let's hope it's a good one, I will try my best to make it better than today was.
Stop this ride...I want to get off!!!
