We knew it was going to be a cancer diagnosis before we got to the hospital 3 days ago. After CT scans, MRI scans and a biopsy, and knowing that nearly everything else had been ruled out, it wasn't really a matter of "is it Cancer?" but more a question of how 'bad'. That, however, didn't stop the whole world spinning around me as the specialist said that word to us... "cancer".
My Ned has Cancer.
Three days later, my world is still spinning. I have calm moments, I have sad moments, and I have panicked terrified moments. In my calm moments I can remind myself that the specialist was confident that it could be treated, and that 80% of cases like Ned are treated successfully. In my sad moments I struggle to think of the future and instead my mind tends to focus on our history, on the happy teens who met in college and have been together ever since, of our wedding 7 years ago, the ups and the downs, all of it tinged with terrible sadness I can't even put into words. And then comes the worst moments.. the terrified moments that make it hard to breathe. The moments that remind me the if 80% of cases are treated successfully, then 20% are not. The moments that hit me with the fact that the next few months are going to be terrible, with Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy and a whole host of other horrors. My Ned is going to be in pain, he is going to be ill and he is going to be scared, and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
I am hoping that putting my thoughts, feelings, fears into this blog, that I might be able to be calmer more often. If I can organise them into words perhaps they will be more manageable.
