HI ALL,
I write this blog in the middle of the night for myself really. To get things unsaid off my chest, I'm really pissed off I am going to have to cancel my longed for holiday with my young grandchildren. All because my husband has not had the grace to shuffel of his mortal coil yet. From the results and consultations we had I should be a widow by now and free to live. In stead I'm stuck caring for my husband and my life is shrinking.
Its getting worst, to be expected I know. Hubby wants me with him the whole time and frets if I'm away. Its true that he is more and more dependent on me to help him move. He needs help raising and moving around, turning in bed too. Have started to be really careful as its buggering my knee up if I dont make sure I'm in the right position and twist wrong.
I'm in a right difficult place emotionly. I really don't want him to died but as it seems thats on the cards just wish he would get on with it. I'm weary of being cheerfully positive, strong amd kind. I don't want to be mean either but fear the flustration of our situation is wearing me down. As hubby sleeps down stairs in the hospital type bed provided from him, I feel much too distant in the night and can't get off to sleep. When he was hear in bed beside me I couldn't sleep for listerning to him bearthing...waiting for the last breath. Now I wait for him to phone we to say can I come and help him sit up or get up for a pee.
Each mornig I have to steel myself , will he still be breathing. I sneek down and check. Glad and sad all at the same moment. My dream of him gently passing next to my in the night gone. No longer have I got the oppertumity to snuggle up to his lifeless body and howl with greif. Tell him the seacrets of my heart , which in life he doesn't want to hear..How I loved him but didn't feel the love returned, not in the way I would have liked anyway. Its been hard been married to my strange aurtistic man.
So holiday cancelled. No summer fun by the sea. No moomaid icecream. No snuggles watching evening films with my tried little ones. Dissapointed does not cover it !!! to tell the truth not sure i would be happy to leave him in the care of others BUT IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE THE CHOICE....so really pissed off, he wont concider Other Carers even for afew days .
