No, I've not had a late relapse and about pass on to the other side or planning on killing myself in response to the UK deciding to leave the EU - that would be an amazing way of generating more page views though - at least I'd still be able to get to Dignitas in Switzerland ok, I can't imagine the EU ever passing a bill allowing Euthanasia.
The truth is I just don't have the time to continue with the blog now that Wimbledon is about to start, the Euros have entered the interesting phase, Tour de France on the horizon, another cricket test series, a new series of fifteen to one and the weather getting better. I barely have time to fit in my afternoon naps these days.
That's not entirely true, the U.K. Leaving the EU and England (and all the home countries for that matter) remaining in the Euros weren't the only shock surprises this week but more on that later - oooh, the suspense!
Walking / talking / eating / drinking
All things I used to be very good at - just read the strengths section of my CV. This week, huge in improvements in all of the above.
I have now started to ditch the crutches around the house at least and out and about, only really using them as an insurance policy, for speed and of course for sympathy/attention. They are also very useful for getting served first at the bar and getting a seat on the tube. Cancer and broken leg trumps pregnancy (life choice) and old age (they get to sit around all day anyway) right? They're not bad for "accidentally" hitting rucksack wankers either. I have now progressed from looking like Norm in Something about Mary to Keyser Soze! I walked over 2 miles around town as Herr Soze on Thursday and didn't pass out once!
Talking is also much improved. A week ago, I was still slurring and lisping and getting tired after less than 20 mins of talking to people. In my opinion, I'm back to about 80-90% of my unintelligible, sweary former self already - something they said would be a much longer time coming.
In terms of eating, they said I should only be able to manage soft foods for a while which on the whole is still fairly true but this week I've successfully managed to introduce pizza, more pies, roast dinner and sticky toffee pudding. Basically I've progressed from type 2 diabetes to coronary heart disease- in just a week! I should probably start considering introducing healthy stuff like salads and vegetables but they do say to be careful in the early stages so who am I to argue with the medical specialists !!!!!! On a slightly more serious note, the key is volume so I can start putting some of this weight back on. Still 9-10 kg to find but at least I've stopped losing weight despite being so much more active. I've also bought a home gym to ensure the weight I put on isn't simply going to give me moobs or ruin my 6 pack (ahem.)
Drinking is the one area that remains a large disappointment. Last week it took me over 8 hours to drink 5 pints in the pub! this was the first time since I left hospital that I felt genuine shame! I still have to use a straw to prevent any accidents.... A particularly good look with quality red wine and really struggling to be able to actually taste wine properly. Fear not though, I am persevering and have moved this to the top of my priorities. The office will understand if this delays my return to work.
Ironically, I got a call from my new gp earlier in the week. I assumed it was something about my prescriptions or follow up appts when I saw the number. In fact it was a medical care adviser asking if I felt I needed counselling/therapy to overcome my issues with alcohol having read how many units of alcohol I consume each week. Obviously I laughed and said no thanks I barely drink at all these days but a) I had undercooked the true amount I normally drink on paper at the time and b) they called early in the morning when my voice is at it's weakest and a week ago still very much slurring. I expect a follow up call or intervention from the Priory very soon.
Mentally, I'm now looking forward to things each day such as meeting up with friends and family, going out for lunch or seeing physical improvements week on week. Compare this to the last 3.5 weeks where it's almost exclusively been about getting through the day or even morning/afternoon/night and trying to cope with varying degrees of pain and immobility. I'll take that regardless of the ailments I still need to overcome. That said, it's occurred to me that I have now got through over 100 episodes of How I Met Your Mother since leaving hospital (everyone has a guilty pleasure right........ RIGHT? Maybe I am still just trying anything to get through the day!
Brexit
What's the EU ever done for us? (Apart from healthcare reform, environmental policies, disability rights, sanitation, education, roads etc - admittedly some that may have been the Romans but they're European right?)
As a remain voter (happy to go with the status quo when there's no definitive best way forward based on any facts) I was pretty shocked yesterday morning. What does this mean for the NHS and healthcare sector? Who bloody knows. Somewhere between an extra investment of £350 million a week ( latterly reduced to a promise of £100 million a week and awaiting further u-turns ) to a reduction in investment of anything up to £300 million a week if the doom mongering forecasts of a £20 billion economic cost of leaving the EU become reality. Nice and clear then. I do worry that the uncertainty will encourage a number of European healthcare workers to think twice about staying here though. My surgeon is Greek, (should be safe from him returning home for more money at least) half the nursing and cleaning staff were from mainland Europe as were a number of the radiologists. ( They come over here, caring for our sick, performing life saving, miraculous operations - bloody liberties!). Admittedly I was treated privately but I dare say the balance in the NHS is fairly similar. Assuming there's a whole load of British trained surgeons and nursing staff out there ready to come and take up these jobs is a little naive any daily mail readers out there. The EU has also been instrumental in reforming policies to do with disabled rights in terms of access and working. Obviously the UK is a civilised society (mostly) so I can't imagine we'd start ripping those policies up but it seems as though it's easy to forget all the benefits of being in a single market and all the positive reforms the EU helped bring all of a sudden. Hopefully leaving the EU now provides an opportunity for further improvements in growing our economy and managing our public services better but it still seems like a risky gamble to me. Fingers crossed. (No more political nonsense I promise.)
Further treatment
The reason behind my 2 mile walk around town was not a pub crawl sadly but my start of various therapies aimed at fixing the damage done during surgery and my desire to test my body, strength and limited patience on public transport. Hand therapy: (administered by Susan Toe! Made me laugh anyway): apparently not much I/ they can do to improve things but I can avoid things in order to prevent aggravating the damage. Other than that, patience (arse) and time is the key to healing. On the plus side, I almost certainly won't be needing surgery or any more invasive intervention. (Still can't use a bloody knife and fork though.)
Manual Lymphatic Drainage (MLD.) this sounds infinitely worse than it actually is. Rather than huge needles and buckets - my first thoughts when prescribed, this actually just involves some rather pleasant massage around my face, neck and shoulders. Better still, the orthopaedic surgeon has prescribed exactly the same thing for my leg! Just some physio on my shoulder now to start next week and I suspect I'll start seeing rapid improvements all over.
On the flip side, I've been given a hand splint to wear to avoid developing a claw, an arm splint to avoid damage to my nerves by sleeping in the wrong position and what I can only describe as half a gimp mask to wear in bed at night to reduce swelling in my face. Oh yeah, and they forgot to mention that as I've had leg and skin re-engineered into my mouth rather than jaw and cheek/gum tissue, the skin will continue to grow hair - yes, inside my mouth! Ladies control yourselves, I'm married.(Although I may need to borrow your Veet now and again!) Lucky, lucky Jo!
Given it's my last post in the blog , subject to needy, attention seeking self indulgence or a contract proposal from any publishers, I'd like to use it to voice some huge positives over the last couple of months:
Happy Ending ( and just no! to the minority of people thinking it after all that talk of massages.)
If you're still reading this, I mentioned earlier about a third shock surprise this week. (You'd probably forgotten!) This surprise is also the real reason for this being my last post!
After meeting with my surgeon and oncologist this week, they've agreed that despite usually being an inevitable and essential follow up treatment for this type of cancer, I won't be needing any radiotherapy or chemotherapy after all!
Apparently the pathology and histology results (Christ knows what the difference is!) have shown there are zero traces of cancerous cells anywhere near my lymph system or remaining jaw and that despite being a fucking enormous tumour (t4) and bloody agressive - all technical terms I'm told - they are confident that the surgery has been conclusive in removing the cancer. Although inevitably this still means regular check ups, tests and scans for the next few years, this basically reduces my recovery time by about 4 months. 20% reduction I was aiming for - pah! (Again, please don't tell my office...I should be back far sooner than expected though!)
Now then, some people may accuse me of being flippant and others will point out that once you develop "The Big C" you're never truly clear of it. I do appreciate that and apologies in advance to those people but as far as I'm concerned, after just over two and a half months since I was diagnosed, I no longer have cancer. I have a wonky leg, sore,swollen and questionable beardy face, head and mouth plus a weak shoulder and spazzy hands but these will all be fixed soon.
So, Fuck You Cancer, you'll have to try a lot bloody harder than that!
( bet my hay fever comes back now mind!)
That is all,
The end x
