It's been a while since my last blog. I've now had some tests, including the one I was really dreading, the hysteroscopy.
First of all I got a text from the GP to ask me to book an appointment to discuss results of my blood tests. I immediately went into total panic mode. My CA125 must be high, I've got ovarian cancer, I'm going to die, etc. My anxiety went into overdrive. When the doctor called I immediately broke down and he explained that the call was about a swab test I had done and that my bloods were all fine. Turns out I had bacterial vaginosis, a common infection. So I got antibiotics for that. Anyway, he explained that he was still going to refer me to hospital as he wanted to ensure we check absolutely everything.
I spent the next 2 weeks dreading the upcoming appointment. My husband came with me to the unit at the hospital but was told he had to go back outside as only patients were allowed in. When I received confirmation of the appointment there was a standard letter that explained you could have someone with you, although not for the actual procedure. Then there was also a covid leaflet which said you had to attend on your own. So I was confused. Then I battled with the idea of even wanting hubby there, as having been diagnosed in the past with breast cancer I thought I would want to deal with any bad news myself first, as I'd found the hardest part was dealing with him being upset. Anyway, so having mulled this over and over I chickened out at the last minute to say I wanted him with me, only to find out he wasn't allowed once we got there. I imagine my blood pressure rocketed at this point.
I got called in by the doctor, and he started talking and then I started crying! A panic attack started and I thought I wasn't going to be able to breath. I was told I could remove my mask and the doctor was extremely kind, as was his assistant. He waited for it to pass, all the while talking in a calming voice. I was asking for gas and air but was told that wouldn't need it, but they would use a local anaesthetic in the cervix. Anyway, he talked through exactly what was going to happen and took me through to the procedure room. There were 2 nurses there also. I'd read the horror stories online and assumed they were there to hold me down if I started screaming! I obviously had a look of total horror on my face and the nurse immediately asked if I was sure that I wanted to go ahead. I sobbed out the words that yes, I wanted to go ahead as I couldn't bear to wait for another appointment and delay any results still further. I was made to feel extremely confident that if I wanted to stop at any time that would be ok. They also checked me throughout that I was ok to continue. I did slow breathing like I was giving birth, as well as crying. Once a biospy had been taken I was told it was all over and I broke down, crying like a baby. The doctor was concerned as by now I really did sound like a batsh*t crazy lady. My pulse rocketed as well so he was holding my wrist and helping me to slow down my breathing. To be honest it was tears of relief that it was all over. The doctor said that I'd done very well to avoid a general anaesthetic, which made me feel better. To be honest when I think back it was not actual pain that I felt, just a bit uncomfortable. It was my anxiety that made it much worse to go through.
I had found out during the procedure that I have a 12mm thickening of the womb lining. Guess what I did as soon as I made it back outside? I actually googled this result before I called my hubby to say I was done! Of course then the usual anxiety took over again. I must have cancer, this is not good, I'm going to have to have treatment, I'm going to lose my hair, I'm going to find out it's everywhere. As soon as I saw hubby I burst into tears. Poor thing he did very well though and really looked after me the next few days. I was not able to talk to anyone and could barely get out of bed. Not from any pain, I just had spotting for about 5 days, but I was an emotional wreck.
I'd had an abodiminal ultrasound at my GP before this, and I've just had a text to call and disuss with the doctor. Now, obviously I'm thinking what did they see, but the other part is maybe it's just to book a further one as I'd been told I was going to have a transvaginal ultrasound so I hadn't filled my bladder so they couldn't do the pelvic part. Hopefully that is all it is. I must say that I felt this one at the doctors was much more impersonal and I didn't feel half as at ease as I did for my hospital appointment. I felt like I was just a number to them. I think I'll be talking about this to my GP when I speak with him next.
Sorry for the big ramble, but this feels really good to get this off my chest. Now it's the waiting game and I go between anxiety taking over and being resigned to the fact that any worrying is not going to change any results.
