Finding direction again.

I'm so happy for you that you've found the support you needed to help pick yourself up again.

Thank you Barbara,

I wrote this today not really thinking anyone would read it.I posted more for me I think to prove to myself that psychologicaly I am accepting more of what has happened to me and that with careful guidance I can regain some control of my life.

There is very little known about the impact of penile amputation, let alone having it done due to cancer so it's a learning curve for us all.

Thank you for reading.

David

Hi David

Thanks for that comment. I think you already know that your blog post inspired me to go away to my 'home group' and recommend reading these blogs.

I think it's great that people sometimes write for no more reason than to see it on the screen and get it out of their heads and put it 'out there'. But I know that I would be massively disappointed if NOBODY said anything.

Being faced with losing your 'little friend' with only a few hours notice must be a terrible position to be in. But being able to move on, find support and recognise that life is still the greatest gift is a true victory.

I hope you'll keep writing blog posts for us.

What I have learnt about myself and the processes one goes through at times of trauma in the last few weeks is mind blowing.

At the time when the consultant said I am sorry but we cannot save your penis we need to amputate all I could think about was life and death. The whole physiological effect of this procedure was blocked – it was not important – we locked it away and there it stayed. But then it knocks at the door and creeps back and I had no idea how to deal with it and indeed how to handle he whole situation. This was months after the event but at a stage where my body was recovering physically so I guess my brain said ok lets have a little emotional stuff now just to kick the chair away before you get comfy.

I am currently unlocking this process , unlocking the grieving for my loss and looking at the new me. Its not easy and how people do it without any support is a mystery – I just find it a shame that it took me a long time to get into the system and see the right people – it was a battle – in an ideal world the support should be there from the start – the physical treatment to my body and the care that goes with that is great but psychologically there is a black hole.

Well it’s been a couple of months since my last little blog and life continues to bounce me around with ups and downs. One seems to focus more on the downs and less on the ups but I guess this is a fairly natural response to any sort of trauma. I am slowly discovering the new me – for sure I have changed , I often look for the “old me” but I just can’t find him ,so, slowly I am embracing the new one and learning the things that are important now. It’s a hard journey trying understand my new life and the new challenges that it presents me with. 
I am now approaching the 2nd anniversary of my Penectomy. Two years without my little friend. People say I bet it has been a long two years but honestly looking back it does not feel that way - despite the huge ordeal we have been through and the toughest of toughest recover no – two years seems to have past fairly quickly . Perhaps this is just a reflection of one ageing in years.

It is still very hard to comprehend what has happened and at times feels un real , sometimes you wake in the morning forgetting what has happened but a quick feel around brings you back down to earth with a thump. 
Therapy continues and is a very important part of my life just now, I have said before and will say again, a cancer is two conditions, the physical and the mental. I guess a huge number of people touch by cancer physically look fine and show no outward signs but mentally, deep down, we are all scarred by this disease. A lot of energy goes in to fighting the physical but I wonder if enough is done to support the emotional condition. I had such a battle to find the right people to help me - don’t get me wrong the nurses and consultants have been fantastic but the deep wounds I have mentally need a special touch. 
Over the last few months I have made some new friends from around the globe - some in very similar positions to myself, nice to know one is not alone. Efforts are being made to raise awareness of this condition as it is often not diagnosed early enough. As with many cancer early diagnoses leads to far better results and less dramatic surgery. 
I recently like many I guess started to watch the BBC’S programme” The Big C and Me”. A touching programme, sympathetically made and a real insight into our world of cancer. I have wondered though what the programme would have been like if they had chosen my story to follow and feature. “So David you have penile cancer and we are going to amputate your penis” Would this have sent people for the off switch , would it have been to traumatic to follow – I certainly would not be going into theatre under local! Big respect to all featured in this for sharing tough days with us all. 
So in a few weeks we go for the big one, the two year scan. It won’t be long before scanxiety will start, as it does every time – a little less each time but it is still there.