Usually by this time of the year I’ve started to plan for the year ahead. Weekends away (music festivals, beer festivals, sporting weekends, city breaks with friends) plus holidays. I’ve usually got a planting plan sorted for my allotment. I‘ll usually have a list of ‘jobs’ to be done in the house and garden.
But not for 2017.
The only event planned so far for next year is my eldest son’s wedding in May. The rest of the calendar is blank.
Life has been put on hold until the results of my PET scan are known. I’m due to have the PET scan on January 9th and my appointment with my oncologist is on January 25th. Until then I’m in limbo.
I’m not looking forward to the outcomes. At best I’ll be recommended for surgery. First on my liver and then, depending on my recovery from that, surgery to my rectum. This will mean a colostomy with all that entails. If surgery isn’t an option I don’t know what will happen. More chemo I assume.
And that’s my problem.
It’s the not knowing. I start to imagine all sorts of things going on in my body. This is my fourth week off chemo. I’m still getting side effects though. The peripheral neuropathy is still present in my hands and feet, my fatigue levels are just as bad as before and I still have the rash and spots from the Cetuximab. My bowels seem to have a mind of their own. Diarrhoea one minute and constipation the next. Both are causing me a certain amount of pain.
I keep telling myself that it’s not long to wait for the scan and results but my anxiety levels are high. I’m getting increasingly irritable. I enjoyed Christmas with my sons but I wasn’t the best of company. This was mainly due to tiredness. I was in bed by 9 o’clock on Christmas day. Mood swings are nothing new with me but even I have tell myself to stop moaning at times. I’ve given up watching the breakfast news as I know I’ll be ranting about it for the rest of the day.
So if I’ve upset or generally pissed you off I apologise. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not in this alone. I have support from family and friends, plus everyone on this website. Thank you all for your words of encouragement and advice. No one should face cancer alone and thanks to you all they don’t have to.
But whatever route I follow on my journey all I ask is that God gives me the strength to face that journey.
Have a happy and hopefully healthy new year.
Pete
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