Cycle 3 came to an end on Friday and I'm enjoying my week 'off'.
This one's been harder. The peripheral neuropathy I experienced at the start has gone but the fatigue is really draining at times. One day was spent dozing in the chair. I had no energy to do anything. I must learn to switch off but it's difficult. I feel that I'm wasting precious time sat on my arse when there's so much else to do. I forget sometimes that I'm ill. I have a very nasty disease and I'm taking some powerful drugs to make me well again.
My, hopefully, last chemo cycle for a while starts on Friday. I have an oncology appointment on Wednesday when we will discuss when I have the scans to see if the chemo has down staged my tumours sufficiently for surgery. The closer all this gets I can feel my anxiety levels rise. Apart from the questions about whether the chemo has worked and what will happen if it hasn't. The surgery involved will be life changing. I'm due an abdominal perineal resection which will mean a permanent colostomy plus I need a liver resection which will remove 60% of my liver.
Very scary stuff but I've known this from my initial diagnosis. And if I'm ever to be cancer free these are my only options.
I'm thinking more of my life post surgery. The MacMillan website and forums have been so useful so a big thank you to anyone who's ever posted anything. Someone will find your words helpful and encouraging. I don't know how I'll cope with a colostomy but thousands of people do on a daily basis so why should I be any different. I'm sure I'll get all the help I need or ask for.
I shouldn't worry about the what ifs. I need to focus on my appointment on Wednesday and the chemo on Friday. Everything else is in the future and, if having cancer has taught me anything, things can change very quickly.
I had a fantastic night out with some old school friends. We've known each other for nearly 50 years and we get together about 5 or 6 times a year. We're already planning our next trips away. Boating on the Norfolk broads next year then a week in Majorca in 2018.
I'm determined to be there for both. And for many more in the future.
