I started my fourth cycle on Friday. This one has been very difficult.
Everything was ok until it was time to leave the hospital. As soon as I stood up my legs turned to lead. I could barely walk unaided and the car was parked at the other end of the hospital. By the time I got there I was a horrible sweaty wreck. Fortunately I wasn't driving.
All I wanted to do was sit in a chair and sleep. That was when the shakes took over. Both hands and feet were uncontrollable. It was quite funny at first watching my fingers dancing but the fun soon wore off. I phoned the hospital who made notes and told me to ensure I was well hydrated and to let them know if it got any worse. It didn't and over the past couple of days things have returned to 'normal'.
My pins and needles are still with me and becoming a real pain. It's sunny and warm outside and I'm stuck inside wearing a jumper and gloves. They have eased but not as quickly as other cycles.
Even though I'm exhausted at times I still cannot sleep. Last night I was up on the toilet every hour. It probably didn't help that I ate so late and shouldn't try to sleep on a full stomach. However my appetite has disappeared and the only reason I ate anything was that I have to take Capecitabine with food. Today is fortunately not a working day so I've managed to doze in the chair most of the day.
Sorry to have a moan. I've just reread what I've written and I know compared to a lot of others I'm getting off easy so far.
One of the worst aspects of having cancer and having treatment is that it has made me feel very selfish. It's not a case of 'oh why me!' but I've found it very difficult to accept help. I've been very snappy with the people who love me the most and I sincerely apologise. Being ill is no excuse.
Having cancer is very personal. It's difficult to explain how I feel at any given time. Some days I'm full of beans and ready to take on the world, on others I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. There's never any indication of which Big Pete will wake up in the morning! It must be very frustrating for everyone. I know it is for me. (selfish again!)
I have to constantly tell myself that this is a long journey. What I'm experiencing today is only a tiny step on that journey. There will be ups and downs, peaks and troughs (pigs and trouts) and some very dark days (plus hopefully some sunny ones). But the important thing I must remember is to share those pigs and trouts. I'm not on this journey alone. My cancer affects so many others who love me and want to support me in whatever way they can.
I just have to learn to let them.
