I know I’m a few days late but Happy New Year. I can’t say I’m sad to see the back of 2017. It was probably one of the most traumatic years of my life.
And I suppose now is as good a time as any to reflect on the year as a whole. It didn’t start too well when I was admitted to hospital on New Year’s Day with an infected PICC line. The first of a number of stays in hospital. Next came my bowel surgery, the removal of my entire large colon, my anus and rectum. Drastic and life changing. But one of the positives to come out of this surgery was that I was given a new friend. Beryl, my stoma. It’s a constant reminder of how far I have come. Emptying and changing bags has become part of my new ‘normal’. In terms of diet I feel able to eat everything that I could pre-cancer, just not so much. Certain foods do have an effect but I can’t think of anything that I haven’t managed. My sense of taste has changed I think partly due to the chemotherapies and other medications I have been on.
So next came my liver resection. The entire right lobe of my liver taken away. I must ask the medics if the ‘new’ regenerated liver is in fact new. I imagine over the years I must have caused my ‘old’ liver a bit of bother. I do still have the occasional drink but not as often and certainly not the same volumes.
As both surgeries were open (not keyhole) I have two very impressive scars. Three if you count the rear end surgery but they’ve made a ‘new action man bottom’ and you can’t see any scarring. My tummy looks like a railway map. One nice scar going north/south from the bottom of my ribcage to just below my belly button. And then there’s the liver branch line that runs at right angles from the main line to just above Beryl.
Unfortunately the surgery has caused some nerve damage especially around my bladder which has left me with overflow incontinence. This is manageable (I was referred to the urology department at hospital) and I have learned how to self-catheterize although in the early days I did get a nasty UTI that led to sepsis and a four day stay in hospital on IV antibiotics and fluids. I have also been left with pudendal neuralgia by the surgery which is extremely painful. But again I have been referred to the pain clinic at hospital. I am currently on a course of Amitriptyline which has greatly helped but a side effect is drowsiness so I have to ensure I take it before 8 in the evening. On the plus side it has meant that I have managed to sleep better.
I still have peripheral neuropathy in my fingertips and the soles of my feet. It’s annoying but something I have come to live with. I’m still only 6 months from my last chemotherapy so I live in hope that it will eventually disappear.
The year hasn’t all been about hospitals, surgery and aches and pains. There have been some really good times. The highlight of which would have to be my eldest son’s wedding. It was a wonderful day and the weather was perfect. There have been holidays, trips out and about, meeting friends, working on my allotment and I would even include getting back to work as a highlight.
The good news is that I’m still here (well most of me). Last New Year’s Eve I was trying to put a brave face on with the prospect of 2 major operations that would save my life. They did.
I do however, often need to be reminded of what my body has been through these past 2 years. Apart from the surgery I have also had 3 lots of chemotherapy, 2 before my surgery and one after. All of which will have taken their toll on me physically. I complain that I tire easy, but it’s no wonder when I consider the toxic stuff that I have taken and still take. Even though we have similar glasses I am not Clark Kent. But I do find any physical restrictions so frustrating. I went for a walk around a local reservoir on New Year’s Day. 2.75 miles. When I finished I was exhausted. I used to be able to do 3 circuits with ease But it was a start that I fully intend to continue. Apart from my annual resolution to not smoke (I never have) I intend to get myself into some form of shape that doesn’t resemble a potato.
Emotionally at times I’m a complete wreck. The simplest things can set it off. A song, a photo, a conversation. I’m getting better though and my meltdowns are getting fewer and don’t last so long. I do get my dark days when nothing can shake me out of my gloom. (Happy thoughts Pete)
So what else does 2018 hold for me? I have the prospect of my next set of scans in May. I’ll try not to fret too much about them but I know what I’m like. I have a number of holidays and breaks planned. I have a new planting plan for my allotment and I’ll try to do some of the projects I promised to do when I had cancer.
‘When I had cancer’ is such a wonderful thing to say. I know it may come back but I ’had cancer’ and at present I don’t! I know it must be difficult for many people to understand what a simple few words can mean. And it’s difficult to explain how proud I am of myself for getting this far. I’ve faced everything that’s been thrown at me with the same attitude. ‘If I want to be well again this is what I have to do’. I can’t remember a time when I’ve said Why me? Or What could I have done to prevent it happening. I’ve never asked God for a cure, just the strength to face whatever is coming my way.
I’m reminded of a time in Las Vegas (there’s posh!) and I met a German in a bar. He was in his 80’s and told me his life story. He’d been a prisoner of war in a camp in the USA and when the war ended he stayed. He’d had 5 wives and 9 children. There were photos of his grandkids and great grandchildren but I never counted them all. And he gave me these words of wisdom.
‘When I wake in the morning everything hurts. My knees, my hips, my back, my hands and my neck. And I thank God because it means I’m still alive’.
So if you ever hear me moaning about some ache or pain just tell me to remember the German.
So (I know it’s very late) I wish you all a Happy Healthy New Year
