I saw mum today, she seemed OK and we had a laugh and a joke. Conversations soon turned to the cancer and we had our first proper chat about it.
She cried a little and it broke my heart. She says she's not scared to die but scared to leave us all behind. She keeps saying I won't get to do this and that, I've told her that's the wrong attitude to have. She will get to do it, I have to believe she will!
I told her how I didn't think she has terminal cancer but incurable cancer. I don't know if I'm right but it makes me feel better believing that these are two different things.
I feel guilty to see her, she wants to make memories but every time I see her I feel like it's one more day and next time she might be unwell and I don't know how I'd feel seeing her like this.
I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason but not this. What possible reason is there for this? The most caring and loving person, so much left to live for, this brings back the emotions I don't want. I don't want to feel anger! She told me she feels angry too.
I can only hope that this treatment will work and give her another few years at least.
I just wish there was something I could do, I wish there was a way I could convince her not too worry about me.
