Next episode playing in 13, 12, 11, 10, 9..... I’ve already watched three episodes and I could certainly be using my time more constructively but I need to know what happened next.
You’re just as likely to find Millennials bingeing on Netflix boxsets these days as you are to find them downing alcopops in town. As our generation grows up we’ve found the recovery time from a glass of Pinot is considerably more substantial than it used to be for those university treble vodkas and sambuca shots, so is it any wonder we stay in?
Eight weeks ago my step dad saw his oncologist for an update on the progression of his mesothelioma. Despite doctors calling time on his ‘fight’ against the disease after his first session of chemo caused a heart attack we finally got some good news. It hadn’t grown. Friends couldn’t quite believe it as I excitedly bound around the office to update them.
Eight weeks later and the next oncology appointment has arrived.
His breathing has been problematic for a couple of weeks. It probably just needs draining of fluid build up again we all thought.
Afraid not, it’s likely just ‘disease progression’ a consultant told him and my mum with the tact of a sledgehammer last week.
Perhaps we’ll find out a prognosis today. We’ll get some answers. We won’t want to hear any of them and I don’t know how we’ll cope but it’s better than not knowing, right?
It’s late at night, you’ve already watched 5 episodes and you know you should go to bed but what happens next? Just one more won’t hurt. If you stop now you’ll not be able to stop thinking about it anyway so you might as well just battle through the tiredness to find out.
Whether it’s the latest boxset or everyday life you want to know what’s coming next.
The cancer has grown... quite a bit......
No prognosis. No future forecast. When my mum hung up after updating me on today’s appointment it felt like the ultimate cliffhanger.
But what now? Can’t they tell us how long? What next?
My questions are all selfish. What does that mean for me? Do I need to visit home more often? Can I make any plans for the next couple of months?
What do I write after that? Do I try to justify my selfishness? I’ve written countless sentences only to delete them. I don’t know how to feel, how to think, how to react, how to express how I feel.
Talking to carers I so often tell them it’s okay. However you feel it’s okay and it’s normal. The way we express our feelings when a loved one has cancer can come across as selfish but at the heart of those expressions of ‘me, me, me’ is love.
What does that mean for me? I love you unconditionally, how will I cope when you’re gone?
Do I need to visit home more often? I want to spend every waking moment with you but I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want you to worry about my state of mind when you should be worrying about yourself.
Can I make any plans for the next couple of months? I will be there for you at the drop of the hat. I know you want me to carry on as normal, I do too, but I don’t know when the hat will drop so I’d better keep myself free just in case.
Next episode playing in 13, 12, 11, 10, 9..... I’ve read the spoilers, I know what happens next. I just don’t know which episode it’s scheduled for.
