My parents separated when I was 10. We joined the statistic, we were a broken home.
But you know the great thing about that? You get two homes.
It wasn't all sunshine and roses straight away. When you're 10 years old you aren't going to just embrace the man that you believe stole your mum away from your happy home. It took time. The home had no foundations, we had to build those first.
It's been 19 years. He's been there through exams and flat tyres. He's been there when my world shattered at my dad's diagnosis and in the years since.
You know the great thing about a broken home? You get two homes. You get two wonderful male role models. You get two guardians, two protectors.
We've all seen the meme that says a step parent is a truly amazing person, they made a choice to love another's child as their own. It's true.
But you know what really sucks. You get twice the heartbreak.
Last Thursday my step dad was diagnosed with mesothelioma. Yesterday we found out about treatment. It's incurable. No surgery. No radiotherapy. We'll start chemotherapy next week but will it work? We'll have to wait and see.
My mum's sister reminded her of what my grandad used to say, "you die if you worry, you die if you don't, so why worry?" Not one of the more uplifting sentiments I've ever heard but I suppose it's a valid statement.
Only it's not worry we're dealing with. Worry comes with a what if? It comes with a positive outcome and it comes with a negative outcome. You worry about what if we end up with the negative. For a week we worried. For a week we were surrounded by if. But yesterday we were handed the when.
We don't know when when is yet but you don't worry about when, you fear it.
You fear the emotions that you know you will feel. You fear seeing your loved one unwell but being helpless to take it away. You fear the future without them. You fear their feelings that they are dealing with alone in a bid to protect you.
Months is the worst case scenario. Months is my fear. A year, maybe two, that's our lucky outcome. If we're lucky? It's all about the context remember.
He's excited to start treatment. He's happy to finally know for certain what is happening. What I want to type is 'if he's happy then I'm happy' but the truth is I'm sad and I'm scared.
I can't promise you that it will be okay, my friend said on Monday, but I know you'll be okay.
