I don't know about anyone else but the minute I had my first surgery, no infact from the minute I had my cancer diagnosis all I constantly craved was everything to go back to 'normal'.
I remember syaing to people 'I can't wait until this is all over so I can go back to normal'. Little did I know that the normal I used to have would never be the same again - This is actually one of the best things that has happened to me and I'll explain why...
I was never a negative person as such but I did suffer a lot in my early twenties from anxiety, panic attacks and I guess looking back now low moods, I wouldn't say I was depressed however I was really upset and low about the way my life was going. I was scared to go out in huge crowds, I didn't enjoy going places on my own and I got really nervous and agitated days before these kind of things. I took it unpon myself to read motivational books, have hypnotherapy and also seek out a psychologist to try and help me get to the bottom of these feelings. Nothing massive had ever happened in my life to trigger them, I was always a really outgoing person, loved to be the centre of attention and for as long as I can remember I have bene very independant so these feelings initially were really out of character for me.
I remember being on holiday with my friends when I was 20 and at the airport I had this huge overwhelming feeling that something was wrong and I shouldnt go on the holiday - This calmed down and I did go however it kept happening when I was away, I was dizzy, feeling sick and struggling to breathe - I went to the local doctor who advised I just had low blood pressure. When I got home I went to my own GP and they confirmed this. So I was happy because I had something medical to explain some of my symptoms. I never felt this way again for a while but then the feelings all came back. Like I've said previously it started out at social events, nights out with friends, holidays etc hoewever nothing would happen so after a while I would be okay again.
Was I just imagining it all?
Did I cause these feelings to happen somehow?
I just couldn't figure it out...?
After a few years some of my friends stopped asking me do things because I always had an excuse - I never really told anyone apart from family how I had been feeling so friendships drifted apart as I didnt want to go out all the time, little did they all know it was because I was petrified, but of what...? I just remember being scared that 'something' was going to go wrong or happen to me. I was scared I was going to pass out - Thats what my symptoms felt like. My own GP didn't want to medicate me which I didnt want either, he knew I wasnt depressed but we still couldn't pin point what was causing this. I made great progress with psychologists, I am a very logical person and having a path in my brain to put all of this stuff together really worked for me. I worked hard to change my ways of thinking and break the habit of something bad happening - Which can I just say it never did.
Typing this I feel like I sound a bit crazy and that my early twenties were horrible and depressive - They absolutely weren't, it was tough at times but all in all I did still do most of the things I enjoyed it was just the feelings that came along with it that I didnt enjoy at the time. I'd say 6 times out of 10 I overcame them and did what I wanted to do but there were times I stayed in the house and instantly regretted not going or taking part in whatever was planned.
Since having my thyroid removed and going through my follow up treatments I can honestly say I do not remember the last time I had a panic attack or any of these feelings to the extreme they used to come. Yes I still get nervous about stuff - Thats normal right? Who doesnt get nervous about somehting they haven't done before or going somewhere they haven't been. When I used to go on holiday the first thing I would do was locate the hospital on google maps - It sounds crazy, I mean what did I think was going to happen to me? It was so real and so scary and now I just always remind myself that your brain can created feelings that actually arent there.
Who knew that thyroid problems can cause most of the symtoms I had for years, my body obviously knew something was wrong and it was just showing me in strange ways.
Anyway to get to my point of the new normal - I can't believe I craved going back to the way I used to be - I mean I wanted normal without the cancer I suppose not the normal with the panic attached.
Now I have this sense of absolutely adoring life and what comes along with it... It sounds so cliche to say life is short but staring cancer in the face and more than once definately makes you cherish life and the people in it!
I want to travel - I have written a list of all the cities I would like to see and we have already started ticking some of these off and I have a holiday to Barcelona booked and I can say its one of the first times in years I have been genuinely excited about going away and what the future holds.
I am so excited about my life, I am so excited to do all the things I have bene nervous about doing over the years and I am so excited to not feel this sense of massive panic before hand.
My new normal is amazing and I am so thankful for the journey I have had because maybe I would have never gotten over it and just lived a mediocre life which is absolutely not me!
J xxx
