Stockholm Syndrome…
For the last three and a half years, I have often felt like I’ve watched someone else live my life. Like I’ve been a passenger in the car and just went along for the ride. People say ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I lived from appointment to appointment so how am I supposed to imagine myself in five weeks never mind five years?
Now its like I’ve woken up, I’m the driver of the car and I’m on a road I’ve never bene down before. I can’t stop thinking about all this what feels like random stuff… How did I get here? Am I where I want to be? What do I really want from life? Have I just been plodding along? What did I even do for the last few years? What do I really enjoy doing? Have I done everything I wanted to? What does the rest of my life hold? Why has everyone else forgotten what’s happened? Is it really gone this time?
Is it possible that I can be grieving my cancer? I’ve lived with it on and off (mostly on) for the last four years, now that it’s maybe gone I think I miss it? How do I live without it? What is a ‘normal’ life? I’ve written about my ‘New Normal’ before and that worked for me for a while but now not so much. Of course I want to be healthy and don’t want to be attending constant hospital appointments, I’d love to not be a patient at all! I’m sure most people are absolutely delighted when they start to see the light in their cancer journey; I’ve seen the light three times now and then the light has gone back out. This time the light has stayed bright for more than a few months, the appointments are getting further apart and I am moving into more of a routine patient type scenario. Its great don’t get me wrong but I don’t particularly believe everything will be okay so I know that’s an issue. I think once I get further down the line and it’s maybe been a year or so of good results then I will start to believe it. Is that when my feelings towards it will change and I can start to move on from it?
As well I wonder Is it possible that this has taken away my capacity to love anyone or anything else? One, because I have been so obsessed by it and so consumed by it! Two, because I’m still in love with it? Or I’ve at least had some sort of a relationship with it. I can only compare it to Stockholm Syndrome, its about the only thing that makes logical sense in my head. Like cancer has been my captor and I’ve been taken hostage by it. I was taken hostage by it in a way – I didn’t want it, I didn’t ask for it, it just happened to me! Apparently it’s a survival strategy during captivity that people develop a psychological alliance with their captor. So maybe it’s just me trying to survive? That sounds so bazar but maybe to someone else it’ll make some sort of sense. I’d love to know if it’s just me who feels like this or if there are other people out there feeling similar?
Don’t get me wrong some amazing things have happened in my life since all this started and I’ve created lots of new memories. I’ve been to places that I never would have dreamed of before and YES I did enjoy doing it all. But now I have to do it all without my captor? I have to do it all on my own…
That’s scary... I'm scared to make the wrong decisions but hey - You only live once and I know that more than most!!
