There are so many different types of friendships and bonds we form with people. School friends, work friends, friends of friends, best friends, male friends, female friends, childhood friends. The list goes on. Friends come and go throughout your life and I've experienced a huge amount of the 'going' on my journey.
Since my surgery there have been close friends of mine who I haven't even seen. Some who I haven't even heard from, not even a how are you doing? I've had people tell me they want to come and see me and want to know how I'm getting on. Yet I've never seen or heard much from them since I've been home. I have reevaluated a lot of my relationships with people and I often wonder should I be the one making more of an effort? However I remind myself of going through something like this isn't enough for people to even check in to ask how I am then why am I so bothered about it! I understand relationships in whatever sense are a two way street but when I think about what I would do if one of my friends had been in my situation I realise my side of the street is doing just fine!
I'm not the easiest person to read, I put a front on and if you asked anyone about me they would probably say I was fine and I'm strong. So how do I tell the people I need the most that I'm falling apart inside? People are assuming I need some space so they're leaving me alone. Where do I even begin to tell them that they're so wrong and I want them around. All I want is people around me. I want to be that fun loving girl again, I want to go out, I want to be invited along to stuff, I want to laugh again! I want nothing more than to be laughing all the time again!
My sister tells me I need to stop being bitter and accept the way people behave. It's acceptance she wants me to find and acceptance I am struggling to come to terms with. I think she's a bit sick of me talking about it to be honest, almost every time I see her all I can talk about is my friends of lack of. I'm so upset about it and I can't get it out of my head most of the time. She said I need to continue making an effort with the people who make an effort with me. I am doing that, I have a few people who know everything about the way I'm feeling. I spent lots of time with them however I am finding it really tough to just forget about everyone else and move on. I don't want to be the 28 year old with no friends. Who doesn't go out cause no one asks her. Or even worse the one who tags along and makes an effort with people who have a false friendship with me.
Someone asked me would these friendships have fizzled out anyway and did it just need something challenging to confirm that? I guess that's something I'll never know however I do think they're probably right. People are selfish and I'm not perfect either, maybe some of my friends feel like I've been selfish throughout this and I haven't checked in with them enough or I haven't made enough effort. Who knows!
Is it an age thing?
Is it a maturity thing?
Do people not know what to say?
Am I the common factor in the relationship breakdowns?
Or do people genuinely just not care all that much when it comes down to it?
These are all questions I ask myself time and time again!
I am so thankful for the people who have stuck around and walked with me through my difficult time. Those friends who have totally surprised me and exceeded my expectations... I love these people. They have helped me carry on and they have made me have faith that there are genuinely good people out there. The people who love me for me, me with scars, me with horrible mood swings, me who sometimes can't even see past next week and cancels plans all the time. I adore each and everyone of you, thank you for being you!
