Cancer V's Marriage

Hi  sorry to hear that you are suffering from this awful disease too.

I have metastatic bladder cancer so am in a similar position diagnosis wise.  My relationship with my husband has changed also, we have ups and downs, more so than before we married.

I think cancer puts so much stress on your mind and those of your loved ones that it can't help but come out in unexpected ways.  We haven't been intimate for a while either but there are other ways you could be intimate?  You both have had a massive shock and it will take time for you to digest it and in your own way come to terms with it.  It is no surprise that you crave the comfort of your parents around you, when we were ill as children it was our parents that cared for us and made us feel better.  Safe.  SItting on your own isolates you and makes you feel insecure.

Perhaps have a chat with your husband about your feelings?  Maybe gradually build up intimacy in the form of kisses and hugs, massage is a lovely way to interact.  Maybe meditation might help?  I find it gives me calm and helps me enormously.  I would talk to him about why you like to spend time at your parents, maybe he doesn't understand how calming and protected it makes you feel?  Ensure that he understands that you don't feel he doesn't offer that but that he does in a different way?  

It is possible that without cancer you may have had issues, there is always a 'honeymoon' period in any relationship and when reality bites we question our decisions.  I think though it is likely it the intrusion of the cancer.

I hope that you are able to work out your problems together and become stronger as a couple.

xxx

Hi Jena

Blimey, girl, you have it tough. I am sorry you are going through this. I'm older than you (52) and married longer (16 years) but my husband and I have struggled through the last couple of years with cancer. Somehow you get through the first one with hope; the second time seems so much harder.

The impact of cancer on sex and sexuality is well known and you are not alone. It might help to read this sectionon the main site. I had gynae cancer so it was no surprise that getting our sex life back was (is) difficult but I think there is an impact on intimacy and sexuality no matter what the cancer and not just for us as the people with cancer but also for our partners who are afraid of hurting us, afraid of…well just afraid generally I think. 

You describe a wall and I think that's a good start. You don't have to smash the wall down in one go and I think you may be quite right to be afraid of doing so. But have you thought about taking out the bricks one by one and having a jolly good look at them to see what they are made of? I did this when I reached a similar impasse and found it was a good way to break down the wall slowly, carefully and without the threat of the emotions it was holding up overwhelming me. I tried to do it in a spirit of love and kindness. It helped me. 

The other thing that has helped me is meditation. I use an app called Get Some Headspace but others are available. It's not for everyone but for me, it has helped me to let go of fear and anxiety and discover other emotions underneath. It has helped me to focus on the people I love too and to be more interested in them rather than being absorbed in myself. 

I really hope you can get to a place where you can be more open with your husband and that you can find a way to understand and meet each other's needs and start enjoying each other again. He sounds like a diamond and your concern for him and his happiness comes through in your post. Are you both lonely without each other? It sounds rather as though you might be. 

With love and hugs

xxx

It's not just me then who's got the tricky problem.

My partner is waiting for chemotherapy and I'm sure people out there must know how's she feeling at the moment.It seems to be part of the emotionally side of things, I'm probably a bit persistent and it might be the wrong way of doing things.

We're all different on how we approach it, I've decided to write her a poem every day until she finishes her treatment and maybe beyond.

All I can say is keep talking be there

Sending you lots of good wishes.  I have cancer... and constantly worry about my partner  our relationship.  Stay strong.  I know this sounds empty(I've been there/am there) and see how things go. It sounds like he really wants to be there for you.  Hang on in there.

Hi Jena,

I've not been on anything like your journey, but I have been close to your emotional issues.  

I've just completed 2 years of treatment for bowel cancer - by being re-diagnosed in my lymph nodes.  But the last few years have put a real strain my my marriage.  

There have been times when  I've thought leaving was the answer.  It would allow me to walk away from some problems, even if I couldn't walk away from the cancer.  'd be able to what I want, when I want.  The only reason i stayed was my son, and the fact my husband wouldn't let me go! Don't let the cancer get your marriage, like I so nearly did.  

Give yourself time to recover - it does take time when you've been hit by major surgery.  Women in particular need to feel good about them selves before they can really be intimate, at least in my personal experience.  So, do things that make you feel better, hair, nails, clothes, massages, meditation, whatever works.  

And take it slowly with your husband.  Spend good time together - walks, dinners out, stuff where you can reconnect emotionally and physically, but without jumping into bed (unless you really feel like! Never say no to spontaneity!) 

Just remember you've been through an incredible amount, so asking for help, time and love is ok. 

K xxxxxxxx