I really, with all my heart and soul, don't want to be here. To ever have had to log in to this MacMillan site, google cancer support or suddenly be facing wig or bandana options when I should be thinking about chicken or turkey for Christmas dinner.
I found a lump in my armpit on 9 November. Christ, it's not small. How could I have missed it before? See, if you normally shower and keep your arm up and taut, nothing to feel. Thankfully I had a bath and was washing with my arm down and there it was. Fortuitously, I had received my just-turned-50 mammogram screening appointment and that was due 5 days later. I had to admit that I already had a lump and you could see that that wasn't what the woman in the mobile unit was expecting. She talked to me in the 'kindly' voice and said that I would get a referral for the Breast Screening clinic. That trying-not-to-worry in the meantime bit is hell. Cue the clinic, husband came with me, was shunted from history, to examination, to mammogram to ultrasound. It suddenly hit me, with a bit of tears and panic, when they were taking multiple biopsies of my boob and armpit that this was really bloody horrible. I met someone I knew in the waiting room. We made polite chit-chat. I was the last man standing and when they said I could bring my husband in, I thought 'oh shit'. The nurse was amazing but nothing prepares you for that moment that your heart lurches to the floor and all blood seems to drain from you - when they advised that they thought it looked like cancer. Results in a week but let's face it, they wouldn't be saying that if they weren't pretty sure. I grabbed hubby's hand. I feel desperately sorry for him as he lost his mum to lung cancer at 59. Landed with another one. So there seems to be a tiny tumour in my left boob that they could not really see on the mammogram but caught on the ultrasound, pretty much because they knew to look for something thanks to my lymph gland. So far that bloody lymph gland is a trooper as it seems to be the only one holding the cancer and it helped me being diagnosed.
I can't describe the feelings going home that night and trying to be 'normal' in front of our son. The whole week was a walking nightmare. The world has turned 180 degrees. The results appointment confirmed cancer. Same lovely nurse. She tried to reassure me with likely treatment plans for my type of cancer - which I was still too scared to look up in the book she gave me again. Next day, a full day of tests at the hospital. I know what this is for - to see if it's spread. Nothing is more terrifying. I said this to the consultant, who had attended the 'results' appointment. He said but if it has it would be treatable. Treatable and curable are a f***ing world apart. So into the factory production line of liver ultrasound, chest x-ray, bone scan. There was another lady being taken round with me who had her daughter with her (me, husband). When I left after the bone scan, I told the daughter to wish her mum well and she to me, having bonded through this awful, unwanted experience even though we never directly spoke.
So, here I am, the day before I get those results back and to discuss the treatment plan with the consultant and team. Thankfully they said at the time that the ultrasounds to my liver etc were clear, so that gave me some tiny comfort. Every bloody ache and twinge that I get, I imagine that it's spread here, there and everywhere. I have a great husband, a supportive boss and colleagues, good friends - OK a twin sister who is in denial - I know I am lucky. But I am still terrified. Yes, this is very treatable but what if I'm one of the ones you have heard of that don't make it. I want to see my son grow up. I haven't told my elderly mum yet, or my big sister who is a chronic worrier and catastrophiser as I don't want to 'ruin their Christmas'. You kind of have to laugh. If I can take one thing as good at this stage, it is that time is giving me a bit of perspective on it. As I am sure starting treatment will. And this community, where there seems to be so much great support and practical advice. Which is what I need more than anything right now.
Take care all xxx
