...well, Happy New Year!
I had a great Christmas, and the wonderful trip to New York and Washington D.C. that my wife got me when I was diagnosed as something to look forward to was AMAZING. That is, until the very last day, when my phone rang at 07:30 local time and my oncologists secretary asked me if I could go in, that day.
We agreed I would call on my return to the UK, I was flying home that night anyway. I called when I got home and got an appointment for this Monday, but the secretary bless her couldn't tell me anything over the phone. I knew something was wrong as I already had a February appointment. The mind went into overdrive, and I had about 12 hours sleep through that entire week.
Come Monday, I learnt my fate. The CT showed recurrence of my cancer in my abdominal lymph nodes. I'm now just waiting for an audiology test and a lung function test, then I'll be starting between 3 and 5 cycles of BEP Chemotherapy.
It is a sucker punch. A year of seemingly being clear. The nightmares just starting to subside. Why me? what have I done that's so bad? Of course, lets be rational, it's a nature thing, but still.... RAAAAAAAAR!
I was extremely positive at diagnosis and treatment the first time, but I'm struggling now. I'm still trying to get my head around it. Truth be told I'm scared, I'm really scared, on several fronts. Chemo, I'm going to get sick, it seems inevitable from all the literature, plus the many potential side effects. Then "What if"? Last time, it was a 98% survival rate at 5 years, and I managed to fall into the 2%. This time it's a 90% survival rate at 5 years - that's a bigger gap to fall into this time.
I've got to turn it around and get the game face back on, and I have a good support network, but it's not easy. I randomly start crying, even when not thinking about it. Sleeping is a mare, even when I don't think I'm thinking about it, Dr says I need to try and sleep naturally and doesn't want to introduce meds, but Id give anything for some good sleep.
Then the financial worries. Yes, my wife works and brings home a good wage; more than enough to pay core bills and keep a roof over our head, but I need something to focus on too, and being a consultant, if I'm not at work I'm not getting paid, and more importantly, my mind isn't occupied - but what will I realistically be able to do over treatment? I'm waiting for my client to come back to me with if they can facilitate reduced hours.
It's all good.... the mind moves at a million miles an hour, but it's real, it's happening and it's scary.
