For the first time since I was told I needed a total excision biopsy, I feel back to normal as far as emotions are concerned. I have felt this when being busy socialising and walking. But this morning just pottering on my own, it came to me how relaxed and grounded I feel and happy too. My mind is now concentrating on normal, everyday things while pottering about rather than having thoughts of cancer lurking there in the background.
By next week I should be able to exercise fully once more, garden, wash my hair for myself, go out in the rain and generally be fully back to normal.
People have been incredibly kind. A hair dresser has washed my hair twice for me at no charge at all, refusing to let me pay. I have become much closer to the friend who has supported me through my cancer journey. I've grown closer to one of my relatives too.
Since my tear duct has started to settle down I've felt much more settled too. The massages seem to be helping sort it out.
Pharmacists weren't able to advise me if my eyelid had scabbed enough to massage it as they don't deal with that kind of thing. An optician who was between appointments, was helpful in that looking at my eyelid through his microscope thingy, he was able to tell me that my tear duct had been pulled out of line and that's why my eye was watering. This spurred me on to start the massages straight away.
Initially I did feel self-conscious at a party when my eye was watering a lot but I felt better when I had a drink and got chatting. I asked a friend I bumped into in town what she would say about it if she were me. Her advice made me feel so much better. First she gave me a nice sticker for being brave about my operation. Curious how good this token made me feel. She said she didn't think people would notice my eye watering but, if someone asks if I'm okay, I can just mention I've had surgery. However she suggested I milk it instead and say that I'll feel far better after a drink/meal etc. Suddenly I'm not seeing my watery eye as a liability any more. I am now seeing it as an asset 
.
My next step is to write thank yous to all those people who've gone the extra mile to help me. I'll certainly be writing to thank my consultant. I've now looked up total eyelid reconstruction so I know how lucky I am that my last operation wasn't needed after all.
Fraz
